Ready to find out what those babies are?????

It's a BOY


&


another BOY!!

Our Level II U/S went great today! The U/S Tech & the Peri said that things couldn't look better. The boy's look great & my cervix is nice & long. The Peri said she doesn't need to see me anymore, that my regular OB can handle things from now on being that she doesn't see one problem & doesn't consider me high risk. She said the radiology department at my OB's office with handle all of the growth U/S's from now on, but she will always be there if something should come up. We got a ton of great pictures, so as soon as I can figure out how to make the scanned pictures look good I will post them. I will post more details on the U/S tomorrow, but for now I have to get to work!!

Have a great day!!!

Still trucking along, 16 weeks, 2 days.

I haven't had much to blog about lately, sorry! Things are still going well with the pregnancy, I had a heartone check (heartrates were 140 & 155) last Monday at 15 weeks & I have another one today, so those are helping to keep me sane! At the appointment last Monday I was measuring at 20 weeks, she said that's about right for a twin pregnancy. I met with my OB & he scheduled my level II U/S with the Peri for Feb 27th, so looking forward to that. He said that the Perinatal Specialist would be doing all of my U/S's & that he would check on me about every 2 weeks. I am very thankful to have such caring Nurses at the Clinic I go to & that they are willing to see me so often for my mental health. I am coming up on the time that I miscarried in my last pregnancy & have been feeling really anxious, even though I know this pregnancy is a completely different ballgame. I have been talking more about the pregnancy with friends & starting to actually think I have a chance at this.
Other than that, nothing new. I'll keep you posted on any new developements! If you are the praying sort, please pray that things continue to go well & that I can enjoy this pregnancy & keep my nerves in check!

12 weeks - 2 days!

Not much new to report. My last Dr's appointment was on New Year's Eve & the NP tried to listen to the heartbeats with the Doppler, but had trouble finding them, saw the look of terror on my face & brought in the U/S machine. The babies were fine, moving all around with strong heartbeats, she thought maybe the placentas were in front, but said the OB would try again at my next appointment on the 15th. I'm still nervous, I keep telling myself after my next appointment I will feel better, I feel great for a few days, then the worry starts to creep in again. My bosses are interviewing candidates for my job, so that the new person can shadow me for a few months before I go on leave & that makes me nervous too. I keep thinking what if something happens again, I won't have any babies or a job. My Husband keeps telling me to relax, everything will be fine. I sure hope he's right! Hang in there babies.
Took my last PIO shot last night & am done with the Estrace & baby aspirin. The Nurse told me, "you are on your own kiddo"! Holy Crap, this might actually work out.

9 weeks, 5 days-Merry Christmas!

I had my final U/S with Dr. L at the Fertility Clinic last Friday. Things are still looking good, the babies were swimming away & their heartbeats were excellent according the U/S Tech & Dr. L. I asked her when I can stop being nervous & she said, "when they go off to College". Great, that's helpful! :)
She said to be sure & let my OB know that I am high risk considering my height of 4'11, she said shorter people with little feet have a higher chance of preterm labor. I am now down to 1 Estrace per day & still on 1cc of Progesterone, I had another blood draw this morning, the nurse should call me this afternoon to let me know if anything should change.
I kind of had a little meltdown yesterday & was crying all morning uncontrollably, I don't know what my problem was. I called my NP & she said to just come in & she would do a quick check on the babies to make sure they were O.K. & they were. Two more weeks & I will be at 12 weeks, yahoo! It can't come fast enough!!!

Merry Christmas!

OB Appointment, 8 wks-2 days!

Hi All! Sorry for not posting in so long, but I have been so nervous & talking about the pregnancy makes me even more nervous....I am scared.
Today I had my first appointment with the OB, well really the Nurse Practitioner. They are the same ones from last time, so they know my history & everything, which is really comforting. When the NP came in, she said, "I'm so glad to see you are back here again, how are you doing"? I started bawling of course & babbling on about how nervous I was. She said she would just do a quick U/S to make me feel better. They have a portable Vaginal one that they can just pop into the rooms with now, how awesome is that? Well both babies hearts were still beating away & it looks like they have alien heads & arm paddles now. She said things look great & the heartbeats were very strong. She said if she has to hold my hand through this whole pregnancy she will & we can do an U/S anytime I want. She said they will do a scheduled one at 12 weeks, 16 weeks & they will send me to the Perinatal Specialist for the 20 week one because of twins & what happened with my previous pregnancy. I will see her again in 2 weeks & finally my OB in 4 weeks. I see Dr. L one last time for an U/S this Friday at the Fertility Clinic.
On the symptom front, I don't have any morning sickness, I was feeling a little nauseous until they reduced my E*strace down to 2 pills per day, now nothing. That's partly why I have been so nervous, but my NP said about 20 percent of women just don't get MS. I have been really tired though & my back aches on & off, other than that nada. The NP said my uterus is already measuring at 10 weeks. She also said the chances of me losing a twin at this point are slim due to their growth & heart rates.

I need to relax & quit being so psychotic. Things are good right now, thank God.

Are you ready for the U/S results?

It's twins!!!!!
All looks good, 2 sacs, two perfect embryos & two beating hearts. The Dr. said things couldn't look better, she kept saying "look at those strong heartbeats". She said to not have deja vu about last time, things look awesome! I have normal size sacs people, normal!!!!! Whooo! I'm released to OB now, but she said to call anytime I want an U/S & they will still doing blood draws.

I couldn't ask for anything better!!!

2nd Beta.....

Beta today was 1442, whoooooo!! U/S is scheduled for Nov 30th!

Have a great weekend!

And the verdict is.............

Beta HCG - 600, I'm pregnant!

Back for another blood test Friday, then U/S in two weeks if everything looks good Friday. Please keep your fingers crossed, that's where it went wrong last time!

Whooo, please keep going little one(s)....

Today is the day!

Blood is drawn, now just waiting for the call....OMG, I forgot how nerve wracking this is!!!!!

Transfer is Complete!

Sorry for not posting sooner!
The transfer is complete, it was done Friday morning, they transferred two really good embryo's (B1 & B2, sorry I don't really know what that means, but assume it's good) & all went off without a hitch. It was the same Dr. who did our first transfer & we were glad, because we really liked him. When he came in he said, "I did your transfer last time, read what happened & I am very sorry for your loss. I hope to give you a better outcome this time". I was watching the monitor the whole time, but my Husband said the Dr. prayed right before he did the transfer, how cool is that? Anyway, was on bed rest for two days & now back to work. I've been having intermittent cramping, but it's been pretty light. Blood test is scheduled for November 14th. They had to thaw 8 to get the two, the others arrested, but we still have 5 on ice. Please let this work!!!

Hasta La Vista Lupron!!

Here I am, I'm still alive, don't worry I didn't go all Ann*a Nicole on your ass & OD. I was just in the depths of Lupron Hell. I don't know about everybody else, but that stuff makes me a crazy lunatic. To sum it up, Jen+Lupron=Crazy Biatch.
Today was my last shot, can I get an Amen?? Whoooo!! Gone with the night sweats, the mood swings, the horror of it all, hallelujah!!! I had an U/S on the 12th and all looked good, my ovaries were quiet (good girls) & my lining was a 4, right where they want it said Mrs. Nurse. I started Estrace & baby aspirin last week & just upped my dose of E to three pills a day starting today. My next check is on Monday & hopefully transfer will be a few days after that. It's getting closer & I'm getting anxious.
I am really trying hard to change my attitude towards this whole infertility thing. I find myself really angry & sarcastic all the time & that's just not me, well not the angry part anyway...Here is an example. There's a girl at work who just got married, was on the pill & is, yep you guessed it, Pregnant! She called me about a month after my miscarriage & said, "I heard a rumor", I said, "really, what's that"? She said, "I heard you are expecting". For the love of God & all that's Holy, why me? "Actually, I had a miscarriage about a month ago". Insert awkward silence. "Oh, O.K., talk to you later". WTF? Every time I run into her in the hall she is holding/rubbing her stomach & looking all angelic. When I am talking with her, in my head I am thinking, wow how awesome for you, you are so totally cool, let me get my noose & I'll just go hang myself. God, morbid isn't it? I also overheard someone at work telling a friend of his that his wife knows she's ovulating & they have been trying for a few months, they just don't know what is going on & she is really stressing about it. Really, really, seriously? Try 4 years Bastard Face...Meanwhile, they already have a 1 & 3 year old. Were those good examples of my raging anger? I know, like I said I'm working on it.
Our due date is on Halloween, so I have been feeling a little sad about that. We also got the burial notice from the Hospital & there was a number to call in the letter to set up a time to go over there if we want. We were thinking about taking next Wednesday off & doing that, but we are going to wait & see what happens with the U/S on Monday, so we know what day the transfer will be. We just got Season 4 of Nip Tuck in the mail yesterday, so guess what we will be doing while on bed rest? Love, love, love that show!

I am also in the process of researching two different adoption agencies, that is definitely something I am interested in & want to pursue. I know how long it takes to get a referral, so figured we might as well get started on the paperwork. My Husband's cousin left for Guatemala on Monday to go visit Rony (previous post). They can't bring him home yet, but they wanted to at least see him, since they have been waiting so long. Apparently there are lots of changes going on with adoptions in G & they are nervous they might not be able to adopt him now. I feel so bad for them, not only do they have to struggle with infertility, but now they can't even "just adopt" like people say. They would make great parents & they are already in love with him. I am praying that things work out for them & that they had a good, safe trip & that they were able to bond with him.

I'm still keeping up with everyone, I was just kind of out of it there for a while. I here by solemnly swear to be a better blogger...Amen.

Bring it on!

Here we go...Everything worked out & I finally got my period last Tuesday night, so started BCP on Wednesday & had my saline sonogram & trial transfer this afternoon. The Dr. said everything looked good, there was no scarring from the D&E & she said that I had one healthy looking uterus, yeah for me! My Husband & I talked about transferring three embryos, but our Dr. said she is worried about that & thinks it's too aggressive, so we are proceeding with two. She said we have 6 awesome embryos out of the 13, but they don't know which straws those are in, so my Husband is going to call the embryologist tomorrow & see what they suggest. The Dr. suggested unthawing them all, but that makes us a little nervous. We shall see! Start Lupron tomorrow morning & off we go. Estimated transfer is Oct 30, or 31st, would be a little weird if it was on the 31st as that was my previous due date. Thanks for hanging in there with me, keep the prayers coming & your fingers crossed.

Meet Rony, isn't he cute?

Sorry I haven't posted in so long, I've been in a funk recently. Isn't this the cutest boy you've ever seen? This is my Husband's cousins baby that they are adopting from Guatemala, they have been waiting 6 months already since his referral. They are hoping to finally have him by Christmas. I can't wait to meet him, I am in love already!!

Anyway, my cycle is all out of whack from the D&E & the whole miscarriage thing, so it's screwing up my dating for the FET. I am again two weeks late for AF, I talked with the Frozen Transfer Nurse yesterday & she said if I don't get my period by Monday we are going to be hard pressed to get a Frozen cycle in this year. I am normally a right on track 28 days kind of girl, but ever since the D&E my periods have been coming like every 6 weeks. She said to try & not worry about it (no pressure) & to call them when I do get it & we will see if they can squeeze it in, or if I will need to be re dated. Oh well, such is life, I guess nothing ever works out the way we plan, does it? I want to bitch about friends with kids, but I'm not going to, it's not their fault this is happening to me & it's better to just shut up about it.

We put off our vacation that we were planning for our 5 year anniversary this November, because we thought we would maybe be pregnant & didn't want to have to worry about things while in another Country, so this sucks. If we do have to wait till next year, we are outta of here & somewhere nice with strong drinks & sandy beaches. We also go to my parent's vacation home in Florida for Christmas every year & put that off as well, because we weren't sure what my status would be. I'm sure tickets now would be butt-ass expensive. I guess we will just wait & see what happens, breathe, breathe, breathe.......

In more positive news, we are having a dinner party Saturday night with a couple from work. They have no kids, are great fun & I am so excited to have them over for eats & drinks! Here is the menu:

Appetizer - Tomato, bacon & pesto tartlets
Main Course - Manicotti with homemade marinara & blue cheese salad
Dessert - Tiramisu cups
Drinks - Plenty of good wine! :)
I think I will post picture of everything I make next week, you can use your smellavision & enjoy!!

We are also checking out a new restaurant tonight (Chambers Kitchen) in downtown Minneapolis. Our Realtor gave us a gift card for this place when we closed on the town home. I'll let you know if it's tasty!

All is going well with the new house, we had all the carpet replaced, now our next project is the kitchen remodel, dah, dah, dah! That is going to be ONE BIG project.

I am getting my hair cut & colored this afternoon, so hopefully that will make me feel good & help with my crabbiness as of late! My poor Husband, he needs an award for putting up with me.

Even when I don't post I still keep up with everyone & am glad there is plenty of good news going around lately, that makes me happy! Have a great weekend!

My baby died, blah, blah, blah..............

So, it's the day of the shower & I stayed in bed until 10:00am thinking about it. I want to support my friend, but it's so hard for me to think about going & having people I don't know ask if I have kids, etc. Do I say, yes actually I did have a son, he didn't make it past 18 weeks gestation, or do I say, the polite thing, which is no, I don't? Ugh, I don't know what to do. I am leaning towards not going to spare myself the pain, but is it right to do that to my friend? I already got & wrapped all of her gifts, but I could just bring them to her house one night this week. Why is life so hard? I know my situation could be worse, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act? I feel like people who haven't walked in my shoes have no clue how much this sucks. Breathe, it's all going to be O.K., I am going to drop my gift off at her house & be at peace with skipping this event.
I wish life were easier, as I am sure all of you do as well...................

Do I open the China Adoption paperwork I received in the mail yesterday, or do I hold out hope for the FET transfer? When I think about it I have hope it will work, it did before, right??? When we were at Target the other night my Husband & I saw these two cute little girls, he said, I hope we have that someday. They were little blond girls. Can a girl dare to dream? It breaks my heart when he says stuff like that. It's physically my problem, but I can't do anything about it? God, help me... reveal your plan for me. Is that too much to ask for? At this point I just want a baby, I know I will be a great Mom & my Husband a great father, now we just need directions on how to get there.

Will the FET transfer be a success? I am on my knees, please let this work.

And in the mail it came, the dreaded invitation..da-da-da!

I got a baby shower invitation in the mail yesterday from a good friend who is due a week before I was supposed to be. She was very supportive through everything & never insensitive at all. I think I am going to nut up & attend this one folks. Normally, I would do my drop off a gift & not attend move, but I need to be happy for her, respectful of her & get over myself for the day. I wonder how I will get through the event since there will obviously not be any alcoholic beverages served there. Hopefully I don't turn into one of those Life*time women who are running out to their car to swig back some Vodka on the the sly (I'm referencing you, Suzanne So*mers). I kid you, I can wait till I get home for that!! Agghh, I kill myself....

Anyway, feeling much better today & finally letting it sink in that there are other options for having children, aside from shooting one out myself. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I am just scared to hope that maybe, just maybe, we will finally get our wish this fall. Regardless, it will be O.K., I will be O.K. & everything will be fine.

Hoping things get better soon...

Wishing I was on this beach again, sipping drinks, reading books & being happy.

We went to our closing for the townhome two weeks ago on a Friday afternoon & it went really well, I am so thankful. A really nice girl & her fiance bought our old place & I hope they love it as much as we did. Her sister was her Realtor & just had a baby 6 weeks ago (she was really understanding when we were in the Hospital trying to deliver the baby as she was currently pregnant & they were trying to get our signatures on the paperwork). Well, she made a comment about how being in the Real Estate business it was really unfortunate that her baby was due in the summer, because it is her busiest time of the year. They really tried & wanted to have the baby in the fall, but she just got pregnant right away & there was nothing they could do about it. Oh, poor thing, I feel really bad for her. Then they showed us his baby pictures & she kept going on about it...I could tell that my Realtor was squirming in his seat & the look on his face said, get me the hell outa here. My God, people are so insensitive sometimes. Whatever, maybe I'm too sensitive about it, who knows, all I know is it pissed me off. I'm sure if I wasn't infertile, I would probably say something dumb-ass like that too. It's all about perspective I guess. If I ever manage to get pregnant again & actually have a living baby, I will seriously shit my pants.

My Husband is worried that I am isolating myself because of the baby stuff, I understand where he's coming from, but I don't think that's the case. I think I have been really good about trying to be as normal as possible & still doing things with our friends that have kids. For instance, at Church this past Sunday all of our friends were in a group talking afterwards & we were the only ones without a baby with us & it was awkward. There was a MOM conference at Church that weekend, so everyone was talking about that, it was just weird. I didn't cry & scream like I wanted to, I just stood there politely & pretended that I was fine. Every Sunday we get ready for Church, I know what I will have to face when I get there, but I still go, don't I? I don't want to be that Freak person people can't be around, but I don't know how to feel any differently. I hope that someday soon I start feeling better & not so sorry for myself. I hate being fake around people & pretending I am fine & happy for everyone, it's getting really old.

I've also been thinking about adoption lately. I feel like I just want to get on with life & have a baby of my own, all this waiting is really trying. I feel bad that I would miss out on the experience of being pregnant & having a baby that is something my Husband & I created, but in the end, don't I just want to be a Mom? I guess we will just see what happens this fall & go from there.

We are dated!!

The nurse called back yesterday afternoon. We are dated for our FET Transfer, will have my saline sonogram, trial transfer & RN Consult in Sep, start meds Oct 3, transfer date set for Nov 2. That is just a week before our 5 year anniversary, it sure would be nice to celebrate a little something extra! :)
Now, I must get my fill of wine in before November, I think I can handle that task.



Congrats to Steph @ A Few Good Eggs on her BFP, you go girl!!

If I ever talk about wanting to move again, stab me.....

I don't think Max is excited about moving........OMG, I forgot how much work moving is, yikes! We have been working all day everyday since we closed on our new home on Friday, I need a break & a beer! :) We have all of our stuff over at the new place now, so tonight we are heading over to the town home to do some cleaning & get ready for the walk through & close on that place Friday. We are re carpeting our new place, so my Husband's brother has been working dilugently on that for us, thanks bro! I can't wait to be settled & get started on decorating & making the place our own. Fresh starts are always good!
We had our follow up with our RE yesterday morning. It went pretty well, she said it isn't perfect science & sometimes these things happen & since all was fine with our baby, it isn't likely to be a recurrence. We talked about FET & how many embryo's we would thaw. She said out of the 13 we have frozen, 6 are excellent. She said there is a 50% survival rate, so she recommends unthawing all the straws we have hoping 2-3 of the 6 best survive & continue to grow. We are most likely going to put two back, but we talked a little about 3. We haven't made the final decision yet, she said we can see how the thawing goes & make our decision then. The FET transfer nurse left me a message to get our dating set today, but I called back & now they haven't called me back, so just waiting. It will most likely be Sep or Oct. She said it will be BCP's again, Lupron, PIO & some pills this time...I can't remember the name of them & she also said I should start taking my Prenatal & folic acid now. She asked if there was anything she could do to help us at all & my Husband asked if we could get a refund on our first IVF, I don't think she thought that was too funny. Here we go, back on the roller coaster!!!!

Lately, whenever I think about my pregancy, I wish I would have enjoyed it more. I was such a bundle of nerves the whole time, I didn't stop to actually experience the joy of my baby's life inside of me. Coulda, shoulda, woulda, I know, but if I could go back, I would enjoy every single minute of it, damn straight I would. I can only hope that there will be next time, so here's to hoping!!!

And the results are in folks........

Our findings represent a normal male karyotype. No numerical or structural chromosomal abnormality was found.
WTF? Why did my baby die then? When I got the call today, I immediately got nervous & thought, O.K., lay it on me. "Mrs. S. nothing was wrong with the baby, it was a perfectly normal male". Then what happened? The answer is they don't know. I know I should be glad that nothing was wrong for the sake of future pregnancies, but it would make it much easier to swallow. I got them to fax me a copy of the report to bring to the appointment with the RE on the 23rd. I am really looking forward to that meeting. I feel like then at least I will have something set for when we will begin the FET & I can have that to look forward to. It seems like such a joke right now to have to use condoms for a few months, in case we get pregnant you know...Because it is a possibility according to Dr. OB, OMG, it kills me.
Our two Best couple friends came over on Saturday night for a Birthday Party for one of the Husband's. We had an Italian theme, I made Spaghetti Bolognese, Prosciutto with melon, salad & bread. We had plenty of wine & champagne, it was really fun. Both of those couples now have kids & it's hard, because you can't be mad at them for talking about baby stuff all the time, but whenever they do, my Husband & I just sit there & look stupid. Then when they realize they are talking about baby stuff too much, it gets really awkward & everyone just stares at us. They asked to see Christian's footprints though & that was nice. It's good to know they acknowledge him & that they care.
Now for something positive, my trip to Atlanta was a total blast. We sat in the sun everyday, had cocktail hour around 3:00, went to the outlet malls, had dinner out, made tasty dinners, got foot massages, drank plenty of wine, it was so much fun! I love my Best Friend, she is the greatest, I miss her already! :(
Well, the big move is in 2 weeks, I can't believe it is coming up so fast! We are in the midst of packing & getting stuff ready, I forgot how much it sucks to move! Oh well, it will definitely be worth it in the end.

Leaving on a jet plane!!

This is the week that I leave for Atlanta to visit my Best Friend, Steph. I usually get there about twice a year & this year has flown by so quick with no visit yet! This picture was taken at my Wedding in Barbados, 2002, aren't we cute? I am the blonde, obviously! :) I am looking forward to seeing her & relaxing, I think it might be just what I need. We are going to drink loads of wine, make tasty dinners, play cards, frequent some wine bars, drink more wine & then some more wine! Get the picture? :) I'll post a few pictures when I get back into town.

So, Church was a disaster scene yesterday. We were standing there talking with our Best Friends who just had their baby & another couple comes up & starts talking about how awesome it is they had their baby & how blessed they are & OMG isn't it just a miracle, blah, blah, blah. The Husband got really uncomfortable & kept trying to change the subject, but this guy would just not let it go. He even knows our situation. Some people are so clueless it kills me. Everyone googled over the baby & showed off their babies, I wanted to stab myself...seriously. What I really wanted to say was, "Jeez people, I would have brought my baby, but he's dead, sorry". God, am I a sicko or what? We can tell that our friends are really making an effort to still try & do things with us even though they are all really busy with their kids & new babies, etc., so that's certainly nice & I appreciate it. We've gotten several offers for people to bring us meals & things. I also haven't been sleeping the best lately, I seem to wake up around 3:00 or so & stay awake until about 6:00, it sucks. I keep waking up in a cold sweat & having dreams about dead babies who are not mine.

In other news, we found a house (finally one we could agree on) & we close on July 20th. I am super psyched for that & it has helped to keep my mind occupied. We started to pack up some of our stuff this weekend & are getting rid of stuff as well. I was going to post some pictures, but it's not on the MLS anymore, so it will have to wait until we move in. There is a big three season porch on the back with a hot tub & will be perfect for those Minnesota winters! We are going to put a bar in there as well, so we can indulge while soaking. :)

I talked to my Husband a little about adoption last night. I just wanted to get a feel for what his thoughts were on that. He is up for it, but we are not done trying for our own yet! :)

My Mom had a 50th Birthday Party for my Dad this weekend & it was a blast. It was so nice to be out & about again, having a glass (or three) of wine & socializing. All of their friends were very supportive of us & seemed to be able to talk about the loss of our baby & give their condolences without feeling uncomfortable, that was really refreshing. They didn't avoid or tell stories of their neighbors Best Friend's sister who finally had a baby when she started to adopt, or any of that crap. It was just to the point, sorry for your loss, that just plain blows is there anything we can do for you? Amen, thank you.

One final note, my good friend, Julie, is going to be making me a braclet. It is going to have stones that represent different things like, the circle of life, love, hope, family etc. Then for the clasp it will have dangling initials, CJS, & a heart with little footprints. I am psyched for this, it is so nice of her to do that for me & I will always have something on me to remember him by. I don't want him to be forgotten. Not that I can't be better & move on, but he was mine, albeit for a brief time, but all the same he was mine & I never want to forget that.

As always, thanks for the tremendous outporing of support, it helps & for that I am grateful.