Sunday, August 26, 2007

My baby died, blah, blah, blah..............

So, it's the day of the shower & I stayed in bed until 10:00am thinking about it. I want to support my friend, but it's so hard for me to think about going & having people I don't know ask if I have kids, etc. Do I say, yes actually I did have a son, he didn't make it past 18 weeks gestation, or do I say, the polite thing, which is no, I don't? Ugh, I don't know what to do. I am leaning towards not going to spare myself the pain, but is it right to do that to my friend? I already got & wrapped all of her gifts, but I could just bring them to her house one night this week. Why is life so hard? I know my situation could be worse, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act? I feel like people who haven't walked in my shoes have no clue how much this sucks. Breathe, it's all going to be O.K., I am going to drop my gift off at her house & be at peace with skipping this event.
I wish life were easier, as I am sure all of you do as well...................

Do I open the China Adoption paperwork I received in the mail yesterday, or do I hold out hope for the FET transfer? When I think about it I have hope it will work, it did before, right??? When we were at Target the other night my Husband & I saw these two cute little girls, he said, I hope we have that someday. They were little blond girls. Can a girl dare to dream? It breaks my heart when he says stuff like that. It's physically my problem, but I can't do anything about it? God, help me... reveal your plan for me. Is that too much to ask for? At this point I just want a baby, I know I will be a great Mom & my Husband a great father, now we just need directions on how to get there.

Will the FET transfer be a success? I am on my knees, please let this work.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

And in the mail it came, the dreaded invitation..da-da-da!

I got a baby shower invitation in the mail yesterday from a good friend who is due a week before I was supposed to be. She was very supportive through everything & never insensitive at all. I think I am going to nut up & attend this one folks. Normally, I would do my drop off a gift & not attend move, but I need to be happy for her, respectful of her & get over myself for the day. I wonder how I will get through the event since there will obviously not be any alcoholic beverages served there. Hopefully I don't turn into one of those Life*time women who are running out to their car to swig back some Vodka on the the sly (I'm referencing you, Suzanne So*mers). I kid you, I can wait till I get home for that!! Agghh, I kill myself....

Anyway, feeling much better today & finally letting it sink in that there are other options for having children, aside from shooting one out myself. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I am just scared to hope that maybe, just maybe, we will finally get our wish this fall. Regardless, it will be O.K., I will be O.K. & everything will be fine.