Friday, March 30, 2007

Baby's getting his groove on-9weeks, 2 days.

Well, baby is still growing & heart is still beating strong. The other one has passed on & is vanishing, she said not to be surprised if I experience some spotting this weekend, week. We got to see baby moving around & it now has visible arms & legs. The U/S tech was measuring the baby & the Dr. said, "let's go back, I want to see more dancing baby". She said she is still concerned about the size of the sac & this could be indicative of a problem with the baby, but it is too early to tell yet. She said to have the OB give her a call next week after he does the U/S to see what he says. She said I could still miscarry, but anything could happen at this point. If I make it the OB will have the prenatal testing done & we will go from there. She said she knows that it is cruel & unusual to keep us in limbo like this all the time, but there is nothing they can tell for a few more weeks. She explained the whole miscarriage process to me & said not to be startled if I do miscarry & to know that it will look like it does on the U/S. She also said to keep some of the tissue if I can, so that they can test it, if that were to happen. So, in limbo again, but it was exciting to see the little guy again & that the heart was beating so strong still. She said to say on the PIO shots until next Wednesday, then stop.
Yikes, hang on for this. Thanks for being there for me!

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Mrs. Nurse says.............

HCG is 42,145, progesterone is on track. She didn't have much else to say, she said Dr. L will consult with me tomorrow at the U/S. OMG, please let me have an answer tomorrow one way or the other, I have bitten all my nails off this week, my fingers need reprieve......

Note to self....

Do not try to make friendly with the Clinic Phlebotomist. Transcript from today's blood draw:

Me: "You look tan, did you go on vacation"?
Woman holding needle: "No".
Me: "Are you going on vacation"?
Woman holding needle: "Yes".
Me: "Where are you going, someplace warm"?
Woman holding needle: "Mexico".
Me: "Wow, that sounds awesome, I hope you have a wonderful time"!
Woman holding needle: "Yes".
Me: "Enjoy yourself"!
Woman holding needle: "You are done, thank you".

Wow, that was the most exciting conversation I've had in a long time. Apparently women with needles in hand aren't the best conversationalists, or maybe they are told not to fraternize with the enemy.
It's still rainy here today, boo-hoo. Here's to hoping April showers bring May flowers!!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Update to Rainy days that never end!!

CRM just called, they can get me in with Dr. L Friday morning at 11:15am. Thank you Jesus, can I get an Amen...........

Rainy days that never end..

Today did not start out well. I woke up at 4:00am this morning in a sweaty panic & could not get back to sleep. I think my pregnancy symptoms are now gone, which caused me to freak, even though I knew it was most likely inevitable. I called CRM this morning to see if Dr. L could get me in sometime this week for an U/S, hmmm about as likely as the sky parting & God dropping in to hand deliver my very own baby. She is apparently overbooked from being on vacation last week & can't my OB do it? No, he's out of town this week & can't see me until next Thursday. "Doesn't he have a partner"?, says Mrs. Nurse. I'm not sure, but last time I saw him the very words out of his mouth were, "they are the experts, I'm not sure what I will be able to tell you". Hmmm, reassuring isn't it? I am a very non-confrontational person, but I can't really be with this whole IVF thing. So, in the end they are doing a blood draw tomorrow to check my progesterone & HCG level, then trying to squeeze me in on Friday for an U/S. Which will probably be equivalent to me trying to squeeze a turd out of my ass lately. I am glad I did not take no for an answer, I refuse to wait until next Thursday to find out if I have miscarried. I have been having cramping, but no spotting or bleeding. This whole phone call was choked out to the nurse in between hysterical sobbing, I'm sure they think I am some kind of freak. I need an answer soon, I can't take this limbo much longer, my back hurts. :)
When it rains, it pours. Received the following e-mail this week from our last close couple friends who are not pregnant:

I am sorry I haven't replied until now. I kept meaning to sign on this weekend to see if I had a message from you but the days just got away from me. I am happy to hear that you are sounding a bit more hopeful. I really pray that things go well and that you can get some good news soon (like the placenta has grown). I am glad that they are doing the u/s for you so that you know what is happening. Another reason it has taken me a bit to reply is that I have been trying to figure out how to tell you that we are expecting too. I will be 10 weeks tomorrow so I am just about a week ahead of you. I have been trying to figure out a way to tell you so you wouldn't cry... but then this morning I realized that really that just might not be possible. I know how hard it was for me to hear people were pregnant over the last year.. and was hoping to try to find a magic way to spare you that. But really I don't think there is one... which sucks. Don't get me wrong, I know that you will be (are) thrilled for us... but also know that you can be happy for someone else while still sad. Well, I have you guys in my prayers... and will continue to pray for your little ones, not to mention you and R.

I am really happy for her as she has had two miscarriages in the last year, so for them this is awesome news! I started bawling & thought to myself, what is wrong with me? I should be totally happy for her & I need to seriously get some help. My God. I think it's just hard because we were the first to start trying & everyone else seems to have passed us right up & some have had two in the time we have been trying. I wrote her back to say Congratulations & thank you for telling me via e-mail & for being so compassionate about it. That was very considerate of her.

My friend & I got together last night to get all the planning under way for T's shower that I am hosting in April. We have a ton of great ideas & should be fun. My friend said bad timing with all that's going on with me, but we will just indulge in some wine afterwards if things have indeed gone south. :) One of my girlfriends is hosting a big Scrap booking Party this weekend, but it will be filled with pregnant ladies & newborn babies. No thanks, I'd rather take a hot poker to the eye.
I am having dinner tomorrow night with some good girlfriends, should be fun & I am looking forward to it. I need to start having some fun again, screw this depression stuff! I'm excited summer is almost here & some warm, sunny weather will do me good.

I'll keep you posted on the news. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I got bad news & was whisked away by my Husband, to a warm beachy destination where I will be drinking vodka/orange juice into the wee hours of the night. Agggh, a girl can dream, can't she? Actually, I am half serious... :)

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

And the plot thickens.....

Low & behold, CRM called today & wanted to know if I was coming in for my 12:15 U/S? Whaat, what? Apparently an appointment was made, but I didn't know it? Anyway, cruised over there & met with the Dr. my OB spoke with last Friday. They did the U/S & the bigger embryo's heartbeat is still going like crazy & it has shown development since Friday. The smaller one still has a heartbeat, but very faint. The Dr. said we have to just keep trucking along as if this pregnancy will work out. He said to keep our fingers crossed. They sent me off with new pictures & instructions to bring to my OB. Talked to my OB this afternoon & will meet with a nurse next week to go over everything & have an U/S with him in two weeks. Not getting my hopes up, but this whole situation has been crazy!! So, I should be 8 weeks today, the bigger embryo is measuring 7 weeks, 4 days & the smaller one is measuring 6 weeks, 1 day.
The Dr. I met with today assured me that this was not indicative of future problems for other cycles & that this one is not over yet, so everything crossed that this will work out.

So there you have it.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Pity Party, want to come??

Well, I have to say that I am feeling much better today than I was this weekend. I'm trying to look at the positive aspects of this situation. I am glad that I can actually get pregnant, that was always a fear of mine, so I am very grateful for that. Now, I just hope if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, it will stick & a healthy baby or babies will be the end result. My Husband & my Mom are trying to still hold out hope for this pregnancy, but it is hard for me to let myself do that. I have been slapped in the face with disappointment more than once during this wait. My Mom called today to see how her babies were doing, she said she is already attached to them more than she thought she would ever be. She said she had to wait this long & now this, she doesn't want to lose them. She said that God can work miracles & she has been praying fervently. I know miracles do happen, I just don't have much hope right now.
I called the CRM on Monday to make that appointment with the Clinic owner. The scheduler said she would have to talk to him & call me back as he is booked solid. One of the nurses called me later & when I answered she must have been talking with some co-workers & was laughing so hard she couldn't talk when I answered. I don't know about you, but that really rubbed me the wrong way. I kind of thought it was inappropriate for her to be acting that way when I am dealing with this situation, but what do I know. She said to increase my PIO to 1 1/2, instead of 1. I asked about the U/S & she said she would have to call me back, she wasn't aware of an U/S. WTF? Do they even know what is going on? My Husband called over there & spoke with a really nice Nurse. He asked her why we need to up meds if this is not a viable pregnancy. She said that they still need to treat it like it is viable until there are no heartbeats. The Dr. that was going to see me this week doesn't have any openings until late Friday, so she said we might as well wait until Dr. L gets back from vacation. They put me on the wait list for her next week for an U/S & I guess we will go from there. I feel like she's pushing me to my OB, he's pushing me back to her & I just want this to be over with, so I can emotionally & mentally heal from this. However, I am not O.K. with doing a D&C if there are still heartbeats, so I will remain in limbo until something happens.
I am looking forward to taking 2 months off after this, so I can get back to my old self. I want be able to relax, have drinks with my girlfriends, laugh out loud again & stop having everyone look at me with pity. Most people have been telling us that God has a plan for us & we just don't know what that is yet. They say He knows what is best for us. My question is, why would he allow practically everyone of my friends to pregnant & not me? I just don't get it. Every time we get together with friends I have to act happy for everyone & pretend that I am not dying inside. They all talk about their pregnancies & what new gadget is a must have, how long does little Jr. nap, etc. Please, please kill me now. When we were at Church on Sunday one of my friends asked me how things were going & I gave her the lowdown. She started crying, so I started crying & it was a big messy scene. Then, out of the blue another couple comes over with their 2 week old showing everyone how cute she is, while the other girl & I are still in the midst of crying. Are some people totally oblivious, or what? You can't blame them for being proud & happy, but throw me a frickin' bone here. Have some consideration for God's sake.
OMG, enough feeling sorry for myself already. I need to go to my happy place! :) I just seriously need to focus on all the good in my life. I also know plenty of awesome infertile women out there who have had to endure far more than I ever have, so I will shut up now.

I could really use a nice warm, sunny day, a fun bar with a patio & a fat martini!!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Depressing Update

Sorry for the late post, but yesterday was not a good day. We had the U/S & both of the hearts are now beating. The one embryo that had a heartbeat last week was beating really good yesterday, but the sac is too small for the baby. It is 1/3 of the size it should be & looks all cramped up in there. The embryo grew over the week & there was some fetal development, but the Dr. said that there is probably a genetic defect with it, that's why the late development & small sac. The one that's heart is now beating is very slow & way behind the other one. She said it already looked like it was starting to pull away from the placenta. She said that's natures way of taking care of an abnormal embryo. The Dr. was really quiet yesterday & just said she's really sorry, but she would have to refer me to my OB now to get another medical opinion.
Was able to get in to my OB yesterday afternoon (he's the one who did my laparatomy last summer). He pretty much agreed with her & said that with most IVF pregnancies they would prefer to do a D&C, because with all the drugs they give you to make your lining thicker there is more bleeding & severe cramping than with a normal miscarriage. He wanted to consult with my Dr. at CRM again before making any decisions, so he said he would call me later. He called later & my Dr. had already left for vacation (good timing, hey), so he talked to the owner of CRM & he reviewed all the notes & films. He said he thinks it's premature at this time to make any decisions, since the embryo in the small sac has a very strong heartbeat still. I am supposed to call Monday morning & make an appointment with the owner to have an U/S done next Wed or Thurs. This totally blows, I am pretty depressed right now. I know it probably isn't something to worry about now, but I hope those 13 embryos we froze are good. I don't think I could deal with this again.
I am having that baby shower for my good friend in 3 weeks, so this couldn't be worse timing. I had to get all the invites out yesterday & all I can do is cry. I know this will pass like everything does, but right now it seems just awful. It's bad enough to have to deal with 4 years of infertility, now this. I have the best luck in the world.

I'll keep you posted on the U/S next week.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Am I still pregnant?

OMG, all this wait & see mumbo jumbo is simply agonizing. I was doing O.K. up until now, I just have to keep thinking a day & a half, that's it, hang in there. Then I thought, what if they still can't give me any answers on Friday? OMG, kill me now. O.K., that was a little dramatic, but seriously this is torture. I just keep praying & hoping that the little heartbeat keeps going & that maybe by some miracle it can pull through & make it. Oh God, please let this be it. At least if I finally get an answer I can stop squeezing my breasts every five minutes to make sure they are still sore.
We were out running errands on Sunday & my Husband turned to me & said, "We should go on another vacation this year". What? Did he just say what I thought he said? Yes, there is a God! I tried to act cool & said, sounds good, if you want to. Yes, yes, yes!!!! We can't go to Tahiti as originally planned because of all the IVF costs, but we can sure as Hell go to Mexico or Punta Cana again. I am psyched, if you know me at all you know I am a Beach Freak!! My Husband & I got married in Barbados on the beach with 13 of our closest friends & was simply amazing. We can't wait to get back there again someday! I've got to get that trip booked soon, before my Husband changes his mind. :)
It was my Birthday last weekend & I am a major book nut, so my Husband let me pick out some books I wanted at Barnes & Noble. I got a couple new cookbooks & of course some Chic Lit as well. I have made a couple dishes out of "Asian Noodles" already & they were tasty. I love spice, but my Husband doesn't do so well with it. He usually gets a fiery butt the next day & has to e-mail to tell me all about it, but it's all good. We are still looking into Le Cordon Bleu for me if the whole baby thing never pans out (but, it will), that is our back up plan! :)

Adios Amigos!!

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Put your feet in, fasten your lap belt & hang on!

Today's U/S showed that both of the embryos I had transferred took. We got to see both of them & we saw the heartbeat on one of them. Dr. L said that they are behind in development right now, that I should be 6 weeks 1 day pregnant, but it's not showing like that on the U/S. She said we should still remain neutral until we get this figured out. We have another U/S scheduled for next Friday at 11:45am. I will probably get my blood results sometime tomorrow from today's blood draw. She said to try to remain optimistic, but we just don't know much at this point & she doesn't like the looks of things.
The good news is she said our embryos that we froze were Gold Medal Quality (her words), & we now know that my uterus knows what to do. :) She said that hopefully in about 2 weeks or so we should know for sure what the outcome of this is going to be. Lordy, lordy what did I sign up for? So, keeping on with the PIO shots & Estrogen Patches, fun, fun, fun!!

Hang on, Sisters!!

Monday, March 5, 2007

2 More Days...

Well, Sunday was the dreaded Baby Dedication at Church. I had to prepare myself all morning by chanting silently to myself, don't cry, you are fine, don't cry, oh shit, don't cry, holy balls, don't cry....This technique as weird as it might seem actually worked. I did not die of a shot through the heart (thanks Bon Jovi), nobody had to break out the defibrillator & I made it through the Dedication without embarrassing either my Husband or myself by leaving church looking like Tammy Faye Baker. Whew, that was a close call. It was nice to see my friends so happy & I really am honestly happy for them, I just want to be happy for myself as well some day.
I have been trying hard not to think too much about Thursday's U/S. I really, really, really want this to be it, but I am also thankful that we had 13 embryos to freeze. I know lots of people have to go through IVF multiple times before they are successful, so I will march on if it's bad news on Thursday. It's a little difficult to have a positive attitude, because I also want to protect myself if it's bad news. Jeez, who ever thought getting preggo would be this hard? I should just get fired from my job, start smoking crack & then maybe I would finally get pregnant. My Husband has a half brother who was in jail for 6 years & just got out last summer. He has two children from two different mothers & he told us the same thing. "Listen bro, just quit your job, start stealing some stuff, take some drugs & most likely Jen will get knocked up". My Husband's other brother also has two kids from two different women, one was a one night stand, can you believe it? Isn't that just awesome??
My Best Friend has had several miscarriages & is now finally moving on to adoption. It makes me so pissed off when I think about it, because she would make the most amazing Mom. She has been through so much & I wish I could take her pain away. I know that once they get their baby, she is going to be so happy & she deserves to be. Her dog just had 11 puppies the other day & she said, "Dude, even my dog is pregnant & having babies".

Let this be a viable pregnancy, let this be a viable pregnancy, please God, let this work!! AMEN!

Friday, March 2, 2007

The Blizzard & other ramblings...

Well, we got a whopping ass-load of snow yesterday, my friends. It was not pretty, let me just say that. I don't know why I even came to work today, it's like a barren wasteland around this place. Good thing I get off at Noon on Fridays, or I'd probably be here Googling low HCG numbers until I go blind. I am only going to say this once today, how in the Hell do they expect me to wait until next Thursday for my U/S? Is there something in there, or isn't there? Help a sister out, seriously!!
Anyone watch "American Idol" last night? Not quite sure what went wrong there. Who in God's name decided it would be a good idea to keep Sanjaya & Antonella around?? Let's keep it real, the only reason Antonella is still in it is the Skank factor. Sorry for anyone who likes her, but I just state the facts here. I'm afraid to report that even I can sing better than her after downing a bottle of wine & swallowing 2-3 shots of Patron. I still find the show quite entertaining nevertheless.
One of our best couple friends are having their son dedicated at Church on Sunday. We are staying for it, but I was already whining to my Husband yesterday about how many babies are going to be there. He was right though, we will want them to come when we have a child someday, right? Right? I mean the part about the child someday. Maybe I can just stand in the back with my Ipod on & a towel over my head or something. Just kidding, I will be supportive, even though a large dagger will be shooting through my heart & killing me slowly.

Here's to staying positive until next Thursday!! :)