Monday, June 25, 2007

Leaving on a jet plane!!

This is the week that I leave for Atlanta to visit my Best Friend, Steph. I usually get there about twice a year & this year has flown by so quick with no visit yet! This picture was taken at my Wedding in Barbados, 2002, aren't we cute? I am the blonde, obviously! :) I am looking forward to seeing her & relaxing, I think it might be just what I need. We are going to drink loads of wine, make tasty dinners, play cards, frequent some wine bars, drink more wine & then some more wine! Get the picture? :) I'll post a few pictures when I get back into town.
So, Church was a disaster scene yesterday. We were standing there talking with our Best Friends who just had their baby & another couple comes up & starts talking about how awesome it is they had their baby & how blessed they are & OMG isn't it just a miracle, blah, blah, blah. The Husband got really uncomfortable & kept trying to change the subject, but this guy would just not let it go. He even knows our situation. Some people are so clueless it kills me. Everyone googled over the baby & showed off their babies, I wanted to stab myself...seriously. What I really wanted to say was, "Jeez people, I would have brought my baby, but he's dead, sorry". God, am I a sicko or what? We can tell that our friends are really making an effort to still try & do things with us even though they are all really busy with their kids & new babies, etc., so that's certainly nice & I appreciate it. We've gotten several offers for people to bring us meals & things. I also haven't been sleeping the best lately, I seem to wake up around 3:00 or so & stay awake until about 6:00, it sucks. I keep waking up in a cold sweat & having dreams about dead babies who are not mine.
In other news, we found a house (finally one we could agree on) & we close on July 20th. I am super psyched for that & it has helped to keep my mind occupied. We started to pack up some of our stuff this weekend & are getting rid of stuff as well. I was going to post some pictures, but it's not on the MLS anymore, so it will have to wait until we move in. There is a big three season porch on the back with a hot tub & will be perfect for those Minnesota winters! We are going to put a bar in there as well, so we can indulge while soaking. :)
I talked to my Husband a little about adoption last night. I just wanted to get a feel for what his thoughts were on that. He is up for it, but we are not done trying for our own yet! :)
My Mom had a 50th Birthday Party for my Dad this weekend & it was a blast. It was so nice to be out & about again, having a glass (or three) of wine & socializing. All of their friends were very supportive of us & seemed to be able to talk about the loss of our baby & give their condolences without feeling uncomfortable, that was really refreshing. They didn't avoid or tell stories of their neighbors Best Friend's sister who finally had a baby when she started to adopt, or any of that crap. It was just to the point, sorry for your loss, that just plain blows is there anything we can do for you? Amen, thank you.
One final note, my good friend, Julie, is going to be making me a braclet. It is going to have stones that represent different things like, the circle of life, love, hope, family etc. Then for the clasp it will have dangling initials, CJS, & a heart with little footprints. I am psyched for this, it is so nice of her to do that for me & I will always have something on me to remember him by. I don't want him to be forgotten. Not that I can't be better & move on, but he was mine, albeit for a brief time, but all the same he was mine & I never want to forget that.
As always, thanks for the tremendous outporing of support, it helps & for that I am grateful.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

When the going gets tough...

My follow up appointment with my Dr. went well today. I was nervous on my way over that I was going to cry inappropriately or something, but in the end all was good. He said that the report is not back yet on the baby & he asked if I had set something up with our RE yet, I said it was set for the end of July. He said to call back in about 2 weeks if we had not heard anything on that, so that we can get the info to her by the meeting. He said the preliminary surgical pathology report came back fine, the placenta was fine, the umbilical cord was fine, so he said now we just wait for the other report. He did say that it's possible nothing was wrong with the baby. He said he knew that would be hard to accept considering how long it took to get pregnant, but not to be discouraged by that. He also said to be really careful with getting pregnant right now. He laughed knowing that it took us four years to get this far & that was with ART, but he said I should be really fertile right now & they want to make sure I wait at least 3 months, if not longer. My uterus is back to normal size, no irregular bleeding & all is looking good so far for recovery. I am thankful for that & am hopeful for the future. It was hard to read the surgical report he gave me for the RE. It said all kinds of stuff under products of conception, upper extrematies noted, 5 digits, normal skull, foot length, etc. Ugh, that's my baby, I wish things would have worked out differently for us to have had the baby normally & to have held him for as long as possible, but not much I can do at this point.
This e-mail was sent to us while we were in the hospital from someone who had been through this before. I found it to be of much comfort & very fitting to share with you all:

Deut. 29:29 (there are things we cannot understand)
John 10:10!!! (To know God's unchanging character is SO important-this is not His doing! He's a LIFE giver!)
Phil 4:8 (You will need this one a LOT)
Psalms is such a healing book. My Husband would read these to me as I was waiting to deliver and after and I literally felt like LIFE was going into me...I was desperate for hope and the Lord ministered to me in a very intimate way using the Word.
Psalms 3:3-4, 6, 40, 42, 43, 46, 51:8-13 ("broken bones" here is referring to crushing conviction), 62:1-8, 63, 71, 73:23-28, 77, 119:12-end, 23!, 61:1-4, 91:4, 57:3 & 10, 34:18 &19
Eph 3:14-20
John 14:18
My heart is with you dear heart. And I am praying for you, for the strength of God to rise up within you, for a comfort that is tangible and unexplainable to be around you, for you to feel the love of God through this terrible storm. I will testify that during this very very painful storm of my life, the Word was my LIFE and I breathed it to survive. The Lord says the Word holds supernatural power, and to be read aloud actually does something in the Spirit realm we cannot understand but is very powerful. Renew your mind on the Truth of the Word and let it's healing balm cover you. I had faith-filled music going through the whole process and of course after. The enemy would love nothing more than to shipwreck your faith and cause you to doubt the Word and the Lord through this tragedy. FIGHT for your faith and settle it with God that He is NOT to blame, that although you don't understand and you are hurting so very badly, you will put your trust in Him. He IS in that is WHO He is. FAITHFUL. He cannot change and is always the same. He ADORES you and hurts with you. We do not understand such things but trust that our precious little ones are in the hands of a loving Father, and what healing it brings to know that we will meet them and love on them in Heaven. I tried to shift my thoughts there when the pain felt so unbearable. Back to Phil 4:8!
I described coming through this as feeling like I was in the most frightening violent storm, and yet feeling somehow that I was wrapped up in this warm blanket. Still had to go through it but I felt the prayers and the Word covering me with undefinable warmth. I took such hope from the so many I was to find that had lived through the same...seeing that they survived and I will too. You will survive this heartbreak, even if at times you wish you wouldn't. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! He will NEVER leave you or forsake you. Be strengthened. Be comforted. Let the Lord love you through. He WILL restore you. He is your Healer, your Comforter, and the Lifter of your heart.

Things are starting to get better, I feel better, life is a little better, so I know I will be fine. Congrats to all the BFP's out there, you go girls, & good luck to all who are still waiting... hang in there, you WILL get there!!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

I've seen better days...

Today I am pissed. I'm pissed that my baby died, I'm pissed that I've been infertile for the last four years, I'm pissed that the 20 year old at Target was registering for her baby items while I was shopping for another friend's baby gift yet again, while I could hear her saying, "Dude, we should totally get this wipe warmer". God help me, I am so mad that there is no way I can get what I want by working hard for it, or pursing it with fervor, it is something I can't control & it makes me so mad. Why am I having such bad luck? I don't know, but it's frustrating. I know things could be worse, but right now this feels pretty bad. I don't know why I am being tortured to be the only one of all our friends unable to have children. I'm tired of being happy for my friends, I want to experience their joy & not my heartbreak & disappointment. I feel bad for wanting them to feel for one hour the pain I feel all the time. I want them to know how much it hurts.
I want to enjoy life again, I want to be happy & not thinking about dead babies & feeling sorry for myself. Some of our friends say at least we can afford to do IVF. Well, you know what? That's our hard earned money & I would give up all of the financial luxuries we have for a baby. Money doesn't bring happiness. Sure, it makes life easier, but it does not make you happy. if I could only have a baby, I would be willing to sacrifice so much for it.
I went to visit our best friend's last night that just had their baby last week. She was so cute, I could have held her all night. I'm sure our friends are scared of our vunerability right now. They probably want to lock all the doors to ensure that we don't run off with their baby. :) My friend said, "would you want to go through that again"? I wanted to say, "wouldn't you do anything for this new baby girl you have"? Why would my situation be any different. It is just a harder road, but one that I am willing to travel if it means a baby in my future.
Today is just a bad day, I am looking forward to the future & brighter days...Things will get better, I know they will & I will be fine.

I have my follow up check-up for the D&E with my Dr. next week & then we have our consultation with RE the last week in July. I hope we get some answers & that things are looking good for the FET cycle.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Baby Blues.....

This post is probably just going to be a big jumble, but here goes anyway...This is a much harder road than I thought it was going to be. Not that I thought it was going to be easy, but there is a much greater sadness than I anticipated. How can you love something so much that you've never even seen? I'm not sure of that answer to that, but I know that I feel a deep, deep loss & it's scary. I want our baby back, I want to be setting up the nursery & reading baby books, not thinking about having to do IVF again.
Our best friend's had their baby today, it was a girl & I am so very happy for them, but also disappointed for myself. I haven't even called them yet, because I don't know if I can get through the phone call without crying & I certainly don't want to put a damper on their special day. They came to visit me in the Hospital three times while I was there & I feel like a horrible friend to not go visit them today, but I just can't go there. I will have to call them at some point & go seem them, but it's going to be difficult.
My Husband has been nothing but loving & supportive to me & so have all of our friends & family, but I still feel depressed. I'm sure it will just take time, or at least I hope so. We called our RE today to give her the news & scheduled a consultation for the end of July, as we should have the results of the genetic testing back by then. Then it's on to a FET Transfer, but not until we take a vacation & relax for the whole summer. I am researching vacations to Aruba right now, my Husband said we could go anywhere I want & that's where I want to go. I'm still off from work, my OB wrote me a note to be off until I see him in two weeks, but I will likely go back before that. I don't think I can sit home for that long. We also got a card from the nursing staff today, they are so sweet. I feel lucky to have had them care for me during that difficult time.
On a positive note, we sold our townhouse already. Can you believe it? We sold in a record three weeks. Our realtor is setting up a bunch of showings for this week, so we can get going. We lost the other house, because they got an offer where the people could move in, in two weeks & we hadn't sold our house by then, so couldn't compete. At least something is going right!! :) Also, I am going to visit my best friend, Steph, in Atlanta in three weeks, so looking forward to that, I miss her.

My Husband is worried that my faith is wavering & I must admit it is, but he had me read this today & I felt a little better:

Peter 1:6,7 So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Christian James S.

Well, things didn't go as planned again. I got to the Hospital at 7:30am on Wednesday, they checked me in & started giving me suppositories to dilate my cervix, but by the next morning I still hadn't opened up at all. They kept me on the same suppositories as the Dr. said he had never seen anyone not react to them. Needless to say the suppositories make you feel like you have the flu, vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, fever & the chills. I started cramping in the afternoon on Thursday & they finally gave me an epidural to try & relax my uterus & because my back was spasming so badly. This helped greatly with the pain, but weird not to be able to feel your bottom half at all. Finally by Friday afternoon they decided to switch medicines & also use Laminaria (which are these thin sticks made from seaweed that expand once they are inserted near the cervix, to help it open up). These were able to get me dilated to a 1, but I needed to get to at least a 4 or 5 to deliver the baby. By this time I was getting stir crazy & just wanted this to be over with, it's bad enough I had to lose my baby, now I have to lay in a Hospital bed immobile for 5 days. There was a different on call Dr. everyday & they all kept calling in to see if I had delivered yet, but to their surprise I hadn't. Then on Saturday afternoon they said they would have to do a D&E on Sunday if nothing had happened yet, even though there could be complications with that due to the size of the baby. No surprise, nothing happened, so they proceeded with the D&E on Sunday morning. This meant that we wouldn't be able to hold or see our baby, maybe not even get the footprints we wanted. The nurses & Dr.'s said they would do the best they could to try & do that for us. The Dr. is 99% sure our baby was a boy & we were able to at least get the nurse to get us some footprints on some scrapbook paper my Mom brought to the Hospital. I will post this once I get back to work & can get it scanned. The Dr.'s said the proceedure couldn't have gone better & they don't believe there will be any damage to my uterus. We named our baby, Christian James, & even though we didn't get to see him, hold him or tell him how much we love him, he is so very beautiful & precious to us & I will always have my memory of him how I imagine him to be...nothing short of awesome & amazing in my eyes. The nurses were wonderful & made us a little blanket & booties & gave us a little Hospital bracelet. It's really hard to look at that stuff right now, but I'm glad that I have it for when I am ready.
I'm not really sure why this happened, but I am trying to hang on & believe that God has a plan for me & will honor me someday by giving me the desires of my heart.

Thanks again for your support & prayers, will not get through this without you.