Thursday, June 14, 2007

I've seen better days...

Today I am pissed. I'm pissed that my baby died, I'm pissed that I've been infertile for the last four years, I'm pissed that the 20 year old at Target was registering for her baby items while I was shopping for another friend's baby gift yet again, while I could hear her saying, "Dude, we should totally get this wipe warmer". God help me, I am so mad that there is no way I can get what I want by working hard for it, or pursing it with fervor, it is something I can't control & it makes me so mad. Why am I having such bad luck? I don't know, but it's frustrating. I know things could be worse, but right now this feels pretty bad. I don't know why I am being tortured to be the only one of all our friends unable to have children. I'm tired of being happy for my friends, I want to experience their joy & not my heartbreak & disappointment. I feel bad for wanting them to feel for one hour the pain I feel all the time. I want them to know how much it hurts.
I want to enjoy life again, I want to be happy & not thinking about dead babies & feeling sorry for myself. Some of our friends say at least we can afford to do IVF. Well, you know what? That's our hard earned money & I would give up all of the financial luxuries we have for a baby. Money doesn't bring happiness. Sure, it makes life easier, but it does not make you happy. if I could only have a baby, I would be willing to sacrifice so much for it.
I went to visit our best friend's last night that just had their baby last week. She was so cute, I could have held her all night. I'm sure our friends are scared of our vunerability right now. They probably want to lock all the doors to ensure that we don't run off with their baby. :) My friend said, "would you want to go through that again"? I wanted to say, "wouldn't you do anything for this new baby girl you have"? Why would my situation be any different. It is just a harder road, but one that I am willing to travel if it means a baby in my future.
Today is just a bad day, I am looking forward to the future & brighter days...Things will get better, I know they will & I will be fine.

I have my follow up check-up for the D&E with my Dr. next week & then we have our consultation with RE the last week in July. I hope we get some answers & that things are looking good for the FET cycle.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.


Carol said...

I think you have every right to be angry. There's nothing fair about it. You're human, you're hurt - and being angry sounds very normal to me.

I can't imagine how painful it must have been to hold that friends baby in your arms. You're brave - I'm not sure I could have done that so early in this grieving process.

Hang in there my dear. It has to get better.

chicklet said...

I believe that sometimes anger is the only thing that gets us through the bad times. Sadness is just so hard to deal with because often it comes uncontrolled, whereas with anger it's something you choose, and sometimes just choosing is a healthy step. I'm really sorry you're going through this, and hope that it does get better for you.

Cibele said...

I am so sorry and I understand you being angry, I feel like that sometimes. I wish you happiness and better days to come soon.

Offshore Wife said...

You have the right to be angry. You have the right to feel whatever you need to feel at this time. Those that have not suffered infertility will never understand the desperate longing you have for a child. Those around you will ask you stupid questions and stay stupid things. If it were me I would have said exactly what you were thinking. People need to have things put in to their perspective. This mother would fight for her child which is exactly what you are doing. Keep your faith and continue to hope. Those are the keys to beating the infertility beast. You are stronger than you think. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am angry with you, I am sad with you, and I will hope with you.

Anonymous said...

I am pissed right along with you. We were shopping today and while we were pulling out of the parking lot, there was a woman about 8 months pregnant smoking a cigarette. It just infuriated me to no end. Most people just don't get it. I would give up everything to have a baby.

I hope your follow up appointment goes as well as it can given the crappy circumstances.

Kate said...

I am so sorry. It just sucks sometimes.

Tina said...

You need to be angry - and as often as you need to be. This is NOT an easy road, although you seem to be traveling it with more grace than you think.

It will get better with time - the pain doesn't go away, but it does lessen a bit. (((hugs)))

Baby Blues said...

I feel for you. Hugs! I get those days too. Hang in there. Our day will come.