Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Baby Blues.....

This post is probably just going to be a big jumble, but here goes anyway...This is a much harder road than I thought it was going to be. Not that I thought it was going to be easy, but there is a much greater sadness than I anticipated. How can you love something so much that you've never even seen? I'm not sure of that answer to that, but I know that I feel a deep, deep loss & it's scary. I want our baby back, I want to be setting up the nursery & reading baby books, not thinking about having to do IVF again.
Our best friend's had their baby today, it was a girl & I am so very happy for them, but also disappointed for myself. I haven't even called them yet, because I don't know if I can get through the phone call without crying & I certainly don't want to put a damper on their special day. They came to visit me in the Hospital three times while I was there & I feel like a horrible friend to not go visit them today, but I just can't go there. I will have to call them at some point & go seem them, but it's going to be difficult.
My Husband has been nothing but loving & supportive to me & so have all of our friends & family, but I still feel depressed. I'm sure it will just take time, or at least I hope so. We called our RE today to give her the news & scheduled a consultation for the end of July, as we should have the results of the genetic testing back by then. Then it's on to a FET Transfer, but not until we take a vacation & relax for the whole summer. I am researching vacations to Aruba right now, my Husband said we could go anywhere I want & that's where I want to go. I'm still off from work, my OB wrote me a note to be off until I see him in two weeks, but I will likely go back before that. I don't think I can sit home for that long. We also got a card from the nursing staff today, they are so sweet. I feel lucky to have had them care for me during that difficult time.
On a positive note, we sold our townhouse already. Can you believe it? We sold in a record three weeks. Our realtor is setting up a bunch of showings for this week, so we can get going. We lost the other house, because they got an offer where the people could move in, in two weeks & we hadn't sold our house by then, so couldn't compete. At least something is going right!! :) Also, I am going to visit my best friend, Steph, in Atlanta in three weeks, so looking forward to that, I miss her.

My Husband is worried that my faith is wavering & I must admit it is, but he had me read this today & I felt a little better:

Peter 1:6,7 So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

9 comments:

Heather said...

I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this Jen. Being a mother, I can understand your pain. There can be nothing greater than losing a child, even if you've never seen him. He existed, and he was yours, and I truly feel for you. You are going to have a very rough road ahead, but please keep in mind that you have SO many people that love you and treasure you, and we're all here to help in any way that we can. If you EVER need to talk, you call one of us up and talk it through.

Regarding the verse - believe in everything that it says. The reason for these trials certainly isn't clear now, but it will be eventually. You just have to have faith in your future. It can only get better. Knowing this will not make your pain any less, but I hope that it will help you live each day until it subsides.

Again, I'm so sorry for you.

Love you,

Heather

chicklet said...

Re your friend who had the baby, text or email her husband (or her if she's already checking). With everything you've gone through, they'll understand. You're a good friend to even think about feeling bad.

Carol said...

oh I am just so sad for you. I'm sure these things take a long time to heal, so please don't push yourself and don't get down on yourself because you're not feeling better faster.

Regarding your friend's baby - I really think you shouldn't feel like you have to do or say anything to them. Your husband can call and just say that you are really hurting and you are very happy for them and that they will hear from you when you are feeling a little emotionally stronger. If they are true friends then they will understand. Don't push yourself to go see that baby if you are not ready yet - it will just be torturing yourself unnecessarily.

Take as much time as you need.

hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

I am so, so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Cibele said...

I am so sorry for you and your husband. Even though I did not go through even 1/2 of you went through I can relate to what you wrote. I felt a deep sense of loss after I lost my baby at 7 weeks. I questioned myself even I was entitled to this much pain because I did even get to see my baby even in a u/s monitor. How can it be so much love??? I decided than to hide what I was feeling , to pretend that everything was ok, that I did not get attached to the baby or idea of being a mother, what are little 7 weeks???? No big deal!!! I did not take long until it became unbearable to hide it… A friend of mine gave a sweet little book reminded me that life starts at conception and how God already loved His creation… and that I had all the right to love my little baby that I’ve never seem but I will always love… If that in mind I created a support group online (in Portuguese, my native language) called I’ve never seem you, but will always love you. I turned out that 5,000 + other women and man (DH) felt the way I did…My faith felt that it was wavering at times also, and still does… it is a constant battled. I was very touched by the bible verse you shared; I need to read thins today. I am so happy that you have each other, good friends, family and God to lean on. That makes all the difference in the world. I pray for you what I prayed so hard during those hard times: PEEACE, HEALING and WISDON to go through those trials with a genuine faith…

Take care

Baby Blues said...

I love your optimism! I'm sorry you had to go through this heartbreak. I often question my faith but in the end I just have believe that God has a purpose for all this. He breaks us so that He may mold us into His liking.

Stephanie said...

Jen,
Thank you for your comment on my blog. It seems we are both struggling with our faith. I am sorry that you didn't get to hold your son. Life is so unfair.

I am glad your husband is there to support you and love you through your grieving. i hope comfort finds you soon.
Your friend,
steph

Hopeful Mother said...

Sending you and your husband love and peaceful thoughts.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I will be praying for your spiritual, mental and physical healing and the support of your husband.

Infertili-Me said...

I was so saddened to read you last posts. Please know that my DH and I will keep you both in our prayers.