Wednesday, June 20, 2007

When the going gets tough...

My follow up appointment with my Dr. went well today. I was nervous on my way over that I was going to cry inappropriately or something, but in the end all was good. He said that the report is not back yet on the baby & he asked if I had set something up with our RE yet, I said it was set for the end of July. He said to call back in about 2 weeks if we had not heard anything on that, so that we can get the info to her by the meeting. He said the preliminary surgical pathology report came back fine, the placenta was fine, the umbilical cord was fine, so he said now we just wait for the other report. He did say that it's possible nothing was wrong with the baby. He said he knew that would be hard to accept considering how long it took to get pregnant, but not to be discouraged by that. He also said to be really careful with getting pregnant right now. He laughed knowing that it took us four years to get this far & that was with ART, but he said I should be really fertile right now & they want to make sure I wait at least 3 months, if not longer. My uterus is back to normal size, no irregular bleeding & all is looking good so far for recovery. I am thankful for that & am hopeful for the future. It was hard to read the surgical report he gave me for the RE. It said all kinds of stuff under products of conception, upper extrematies noted, 5 digits, normal skull, foot length, etc. Ugh, that's my baby, I wish things would have worked out differently for us to have had the baby normally & to have held him for as long as possible, but not much I can do at this point.
This e-mail was sent to us while we were in the hospital from someone who had been through this before. I found it to be of much comfort & very fitting to share with you all:

Deut. 29:29 (there are things we cannot understand)
John 10:10!!! (To know God's unchanging character is SO important-this is not His doing! He's a LIFE giver!)
Phil 4:8 (You will need this one a LOT)
Psalms is such a healing book. My Husband would read these to me as I was waiting to deliver and after and I literally felt like LIFE was going into me...I was desperate for hope and the Lord ministered to me in a very intimate way using the Word.
Psalms 3:3-4, 6, 40, 42, 43, 46, 51:8-13 ("broken bones" here is referring to crushing conviction), 62:1-8, 63, 71, 73:23-28, 77, 119:12-end, 23!, 61:1-4, 91:4, 57:3 & 10, 34:18 &19
Eph 3:14-20
John 14:18
My heart is with you dear heart. And I am praying for you, for the strength of God to rise up within you, for a comfort that is tangible and unexplainable to be around you, for you to feel the love of God through this terrible storm. I will testify that during this very very painful storm of my life, the Word was my LIFE and I breathed it to survive. The Lord says the Word holds supernatural power, and to be read aloud actually does something in the Spirit realm we cannot understand but is very powerful. Renew your mind on the Truth of the Word and let it's healing balm cover you. I had faith-filled music going through the whole process and of course after. The enemy would love nothing more than to shipwreck your faith and cause you to doubt the Word and the Lord through this tragedy. FIGHT for your faith and settle it with God that He is NOT to blame, that although you don't understand and you are hurting so very badly, you will put your trust in Him. He IS in that is WHO He is. FAITHFUL. He cannot change and is always the same. He ADORES you and hurts with you. We do not understand such things but trust that our precious little ones are in the hands of a loving Father, and what healing it brings to know that we will meet them and love on them in Heaven. I tried to shift my thoughts there when the pain felt so unbearable. Back to Phil 4:8!
I described coming through this as feeling like I was in the most frightening violent storm, and yet feeling somehow that I was wrapped up in this warm blanket. Still had to go through it but I felt the prayers and the Word covering me with undefinable warmth. I took such hope from the so many I was to find that had lived through the same...seeing that they survived and I will too. You will survive this heartbreak, even if at times you wish you wouldn't. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! He will NEVER leave you or forsake you. Be strengthened. Be comforted. Let the Lord love you through. He WILL restore you. He is your Healer, your Comforter, and the Lifter of your heart.

Things are starting to get better, I feel better, life is a little better, so I know I will be fine. Congrats to all the BFP's out there, you go girls, & good luck to all who are still waiting... hang in there, you WILL get there!!


Baby Blues said...

I love your optimism and I'm so glad you're feeling better. You're an inspiration.
"...being fully persuaded that GOD had the power to do what HE had promised." Romans 4:21
May God grant us the deepest desires of our hearts. Our day will come.

Stephanie said...

Glad you are feeling better. that was a great email, thanks for sharing it.

KarenO said...

Thanks so much for the scriptures in your post, I needed it today! A very good friend of mine always says: "Life's unfair but God is good." Your hope and optimism makes me feel so much better... thanks!

Heather said...

I'm so happy your optimism is shining through, Jen. It can only get better, right? Keep us in the loop ... I check every day for updates!

Carol said...

sounds like you are finding some wonderful ways to find peace in all this.

And I just wanted to add - I think in your situation there is no such thing as 'inappropriate crying' - you deserve to indulge in as many tears as you need to - even if it is in front of a doctor.