Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Pity Party, want to come??

Well, I have to say that I am feeling much better today than I was this weekend. I'm trying to look at the positive aspects of this situation. I am glad that I can actually get pregnant, that was always a fear of mine, so I am very grateful for that. Now, I just hope if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, it will stick & a healthy baby or babies will be the end result. My Husband & my Mom are trying to still hold out hope for this pregnancy, but it is hard for me to let myself do that. I have been slapped in the face with disappointment more than once during this wait. My Mom called today to see how her babies were doing, she said she is already attached to them more than she thought she would ever be. She said she had to wait this long & now this, she doesn't want to lose them. She said that God can work miracles & she has been praying fervently. I know miracles do happen, I just don't have much hope right now.
I called the CRM on Monday to make that appointment with the Clinic owner. The scheduler said she would have to talk to him & call me back as he is booked solid. One of the nurses called me later & when I answered she must have been talking with some co-workers & was laughing so hard she couldn't talk when I answered. I don't know about you, but that really rubbed me the wrong way. I kind of thought it was inappropriate for her to be acting that way when I am dealing with this situation, but what do I know. She said to increase my PIO to 1 1/2, instead of 1. I asked about the U/S & she said she would have to call me back, she wasn't aware of an U/S. WTF? Do they even know what is going on? My Husband called over there & spoke with a really nice Nurse. He asked her why we need to up meds if this is not a viable pregnancy. She said that they still need to treat it like it is viable until there are no heartbeats. The Dr. that was going to see me this week doesn't have any openings until late Friday, so she said we might as well wait until Dr. L gets back from vacation. They put me on the wait list for her next week for an U/S & I guess we will go from there. I feel like she's pushing me to my OB, he's pushing me back to her & I just want this to be over with, so I can emotionally & mentally heal from this. However, I am not O.K. with doing a D&C if there are still heartbeats, so I will remain in limbo until something happens.
I am looking forward to taking 2 months off after this, so I can get back to my old self. I want be able to relax, have drinks with my girlfriends, laugh out loud again & stop having everyone look at me with pity. Most people have been telling us that God has a plan for us & we just don't know what that is yet. They say He knows what is best for us. My question is, why would he allow practically everyone of my friends to pregnant & not me? I just don't get it. Every time we get together with friends I have to act happy for everyone & pretend that I am not dying inside. They all talk about their pregnancies & what new gadget is a must have, how long does little Jr. nap, etc. Please, please kill me now. When we were at Church on Sunday one of my friends asked me how things were going & I gave her the lowdown. She started crying, so I started crying & it was a big messy scene. Then, out of the blue another couple comes over with their 2 week old showing everyone how cute she is, while the other girl & I are still in the midst of crying. Are some people totally oblivious, or what? You can't blame them for being proud & happy, but throw me a frickin' bone here. Have some consideration for God's sake.
OMG, enough feeling sorry for myself already. I need to go to my happy place! :) I just seriously need to focus on all the good in my life. I also know plenty of awesome infertile women out there who have had to endure far more than I ever have, so I will shut up now.

I could really use a nice warm, sunny day, a fun bar with a patio & a fat martini!!


Baby Blues said...

I'm so sorry Jen. I felt like crying with you too while reading this post.
It's hard to make any sense out of infertility. And sometimes we just have to hold on to our faith.
Go ahead and enjoy that Martini! A pity party isn't complete without chocolates, a good massage, a vacation and shopping therapy. So go ahead, you deserve it!

Carol said...

So sorry you're having to go through this. And sorry that your dr's offices are being such idiots. I think you should demand that they get you scheduled - keep calling and don't take no for an answer. I agree with you on not having a D&C while you still have heartbeats - as long as those hearts are beating, there still is a chance, even if it's small. Hang in there.