Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Rainy days that never end..

Today did not start out well. I woke up at 4:00am this morning in a sweaty panic & could not get back to sleep. I think my pregnancy symptoms are now gone, which caused me to freak, even though I knew it was most likely inevitable. I called CRM this morning to see if Dr. L could get me in sometime this week for an U/S, hmmm about as likely as the sky parting & God dropping in to hand deliver my very own baby. She is apparently overbooked from being on vacation last week & can't my OB do it? No, he's out of town this week & can't see me until next Thursday. "Doesn't he have a partner"?, says Mrs. Nurse. I'm not sure, but last time I saw him the very words out of his mouth were, "they are the experts, I'm not sure what I will be able to tell you". Hmmm, reassuring isn't it? I am a very non-confrontational person, but I can't really be with this whole IVF thing. So, in the end they are doing a blood draw tomorrow to check my progesterone & HCG level, then trying to squeeze me in on Friday for an U/S. Which will probably be equivalent to me trying to squeeze a turd out of my ass lately. I am glad I did not take no for an answer, I refuse to wait until next Thursday to find out if I have miscarried. I have been having cramping, but no spotting or bleeding. This whole phone call was choked out to the nurse in between hysterical sobbing, I'm sure they think I am some kind of freak. I need an answer soon, I can't take this limbo much longer, my back hurts. :)
When it rains, it pours. Received the following e-mail this week from our last close couple friends who are not pregnant:

I am sorry I haven't replied until now. I kept meaning to sign on this weekend to see if I had a message from you but the days just got away from me. I am happy to hear that you are sounding a bit more hopeful. I really pray that things go well and that you can get some good news soon (like the placenta has grown). I am glad that they are doing the u/s for you so that you know what is happening. Another reason it has taken me a bit to reply is that I have been trying to figure out how to tell you that we are expecting too. I will be 10 weeks tomorrow so I am just about a week ahead of you. I have been trying to figure out a way to tell you so you wouldn't cry... but then this morning I realized that really that just might not be possible. I know how hard it was for me to hear people were pregnant over the last year.. and was hoping to try to find a magic way to spare you that. But really I don't think there is one... which sucks. Don't get me wrong, I know that you will be (are) thrilled for us... but also know that you can be happy for someone else while still sad. Well, I have you guys in my prayers... and will continue to pray for your little ones, not to mention you and R.

I am really happy for her as she has had two miscarriages in the last year, so for them this is awesome news! I started bawling & thought to myself, what is wrong with me? I should be totally happy for her & I need to seriously get some help. My God. I think it's just hard because we were the first to start trying & everyone else seems to have passed us right up & some have had two in the time we have been trying. I wrote her back to say Congratulations & thank you for telling me via e-mail & for being so compassionate about it. That was very considerate of her.

My friend & I got together last night to get all the planning under way for T's shower that I am hosting in April. We have a ton of great ideas & should be fun. My friend said bad timing with all that's going on with me, but we will just indulge in some wine afterwards if things have indeed gone south. :) One of my girlfriends is hosting a big Scrap booking Party this weekend, but it will be filled with pregnant ladies & newborn babies. No thanks, I'd rather take a hot poker to the eye.
I am having dinner tomorrow night with some good girlfriends, should be fun & I am looking forward to it. I need to start having some fun again, screw this depression stuff! I'm excited summer is almost here & some warm, sunny weather will do me good.

I'll keep you posted on the news. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I got bad news & was whisked away by my Husband, to a warm beachy destination where I will be drinking vodka/orange juice into the wee hours of the night. Agggh, a girl can dream, can't she? Actually, I am half serious... :)

1 comment:

Baby Blues said...

I'm sorry Jen. Your reaction to your friend's email is completely understandable. It's possible to be happy and sad. Happy for her, but sad that things aren't going as expected with you. But I admire her for being completely compassionate. She's a keeper.

Bring on the fun! I agree. Sometimes we just need to show Depression who's boss, kick him out and invite Fun over for a party.

Still hoping for good news.