Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Hoping things get better soon...

Wishing I was on this beach again, sipping drinks, reading books & being happy.

We went to our closing for the townhome two weeks ago on a Friday afternoon & it went really well, I am so thankful. A really nice girl & her fiance bought our old place & I hope they love it as much as we did. Her sister was her Realtor & just had a baby 6 weeks ago (she was really understanding when we were in the Hospital trying to deliver the baby as she was currently pregnant & they were trying to get our signatures on the paperwork). Well, she made a comment about how being in the Real Estate business it was really unfortunate that her baby was due in the summer, because it is her busiest time of the year. They really tried & wanted to have the baby in the fall, but she just got pregnant right away & there was nothing they could do about it. Oh, poor thing, I feel really bad for her. Then they showed us his baby pictures & she kept going on about it...I could tell that my Realtor was squirming in his seat & the look on his face said, get me the hell outa here. My God, people are so insensitive sometimes. Whatever, maybe I'm too sensitive about it, who knows, all I know is it pissed me off. I'm sure if I wasn't infertile, I would probably say something dumb-ass like that too. It's all about perspective I guess. If I ever manage to get pregnant again & actually have a living baby, I will seriously shit my pants.

My Husband is worried that I am isolating myself because of the baby stuff, I understand where he's coming from, but I don't think that's the case. I think I have been really good about trying to be as normal as possible & still doing things with our friends that have kids. For instance, at Church this past Sunday all of our friends were in a group talking afterwards & we were the only ones without a baby with us & it was awkward. There was a MOM conference at Church that weekend, so everyone was talking about that, it was just weird. I didn't cry & scream like I wanted to, I just stood there politely & pretended that I was fine. Every Sunday we get ready for Church, I know what I will have to face when I get there, but I still go, don't I? I don't want to be that Freak person people can't be around, but I don't know how to feel any differently. I hope that someday soon I start feeling better & not so sorry for myself. I hate being fake around people & pretending I am fine & happy for everyone, it's getting really old.

I've also been thinking about adoption lately. I feel like I just want to get on with life & have a baby of my own, all this waiting is really trying. I feel bad that I would miss out on the experience of being pregnant & having a baby that is something my Husband & I created, but in the end, don't I just want to be a Mom? I guess we will just see what happens this fall & go from there.


Stephanie said...

i know how horrible it is when you are the only one of your friends that doesn't have kids. Gosh, it seems everyone has at least one running around these days. my heart aches for you because those feelings are the same ones I have had and even though I am finally pregnant i still feel your pain and hope that this fall brings you happiness and a pregnancy. I give you bid kuddos for going to church every week and facing such a heart breaking situation.

Heather said...

If, after you have your living baby next year, you shit your pants once, that's okay. But if you keep shitting your pants over and over again, I'm not going to be able to be your friend anymore. That's just gross. Your husband probably won't be too impressed either. But Max will probably just join you and keep shitting on the carpet in celebration of the new living creature invading his space, who after a year, will torture that poor cat to death.

No, seriously, hang in there. One way or another, either through a successful pregnancy or adoption, you'll be a mom. You'll get there. It just seriously sucks that it's taking this long. Either way, you'll relish it like no other when your baby arrives.

Mrs. KM said...

I can't believe your story about the realtor showing you baby pictures and complaining about having a baby in the summer, even though she KNEW your situation! Gawd, people are such f-ing idiots sometimes! And no, even if you were fertile you would never say something stupid like that.

After what you have been through, I would think it is perfectly normal to want to withdraw from people with children. I admire your strength in continuing to go to church and see your friends with babies, even though it must be so painful.