Hasta La Vista Lupron!!

Here I am, I'm still alive, don't worry I didn't go all Ann*a Nicole on your ass & OD. I was just in the depths of Lupron Hell. I don't know about everybody else, but that stuff makes me a crazy lunatic. To sum it up, Jen+Lupron=Crazy Biatch.
Today was my last shot, can I get an Amen?? Whoooo!! Gone with the night sweats, the mood swings, the horror of it all, hallelujah!!! I had an U/S on the 12th and all looked good, my ovaries were quiet (good girls) & my lining was a 4, right where they want it said Mrs. Nurse. I started Estrace & baby aspirin last week & just upped my dose of E to three pills a day starting today. My next check is on Monday & hopefully transfer will be a few days after that. It's getting closer & I'm getting anxious.
I am really trying hard to change my attitude towards this whole infertility thing. I find myself really angry & sarcastic all the time & that's just not me, well not the angry part anyway...Here is an example. There's a girl at work who just got married, was on the pill & is, yep you guessed it, Pregnant! She called me about a month after my miscarriage & said, "I heard a rumor", I said, "really, what's that"? She said, "I heard you are expecting". For the love of God & all that's Holy, why me? "Actually, I had a miscarriage about a month ago". Insert awkward silence. "Oh, O.K., talk to you later". WTF? Every time I run into her in the hall she is holding/rubbing her stomach & looking all angelic. When I am talking with her, in my head I am thinking, wow how awesome for you, you are so totally cool, let me get my noose & I'll just go hang myself. God, morbid isn't it? I also overheard someone at work telling a friend of his that his wife knows she's ovulating & they have been trying for a few months, they just don't know what is going on & she is really stressing about it. Really, really, seriously? Try 4 years Bastard Face...Meanwhile, they already have a 1 & 3 year old. Were those good examples of my raging anger? I know, like I said I'm working on it.
Our due date is on Halloween, so I have been feeling a little sad about that. We also got the burial notice from the Hospital & there was a number to call in the letter to set up a time to go over there if we want. We were thinking about taking next Wednesday off & doing that, but we are going to wait & see what happens with the U/S on Monday, so we know what day the transfer will be. We just got Season 4 of Nip Tuck in the mail yesterday, so guess what we will be doing while on bed rest? Love, love, love that show!

I am also in the process of researching two different adoption agencies, that is definitely something I am interested in & want to pursue. I know how long it takes to get a referral, so figured we might as well get started on the paperwork. My Husband's cousin left for Guatemala on Monday to go visit Rony (previous post). They can't bring him home yet, but they wanted to at least see him, since they have been waiting so long. Apparently there are lots of changes going on with adoptions in G & they are nervous they might not be able to adopt him now. I feel so bad for them, not only do they have to struggle with infertility, but now they can't even "just adopt" like people say. They would make great parents & they are already in love with him. I am praying that things work out for them & that they had a good, safe trip & that they were able to bond with him.

I'm still keeping up with everyone, I was just kind of out of it there for a while. I here by solemnly swear to be a better blogger...Amen.

Bring it on!

Here we go...Everything worked out & I finally got my period last Tuesday night, so started BCP on Wednesday & had my saline sonogram & trial transfer this afternoon. The Dr. said everything looked good, there was no scarring from the D&E & she said that I had one healthy looking uterus, yeah for me! My Husband & I talked about transferring three embryos, but our Dr. said she is worried about that & thinks it's too aggressive, so we are proceeding with two. She said we have 6 awesome embryos out of the 13, but they don't know which straws those are in, so my Husband is going to call the embryologist tomorrow & see what they suggest. The Dr. suggested unthawing them all, but that makes us a little nervous. We shall see! Start Lupron tomorrow morning & off we go. Estimated transfer is Oct 30, or 31st, would be a little weird if it was on the 31st as that was my previous due date. Thanks for hanging in there with me, keep the prayers coming & your fingers crossed.

Meet Rony, isn't he cute?

Sorry I haven't posted in so long, I've been in a funk recently. Isn't this the cutest boy you've ever seen? This is my Husband's cousins baby that they are adopting from Guatemala, they have been waiting 6 months already since his referral. They are hoping to finally have him by Christmas. I can't wait to meet him, I am in love already!!

Anyway, my cycle is all out of whack from the D&E & the whole miscarriage thing, so it's screwing up my dating for the FET. I am again two weeks late for AF, I talked with the Frozen Transfer Nurse yesterday & she said if I don't get my period by Monday we are going to be hard pressed to get a Frozen cycle in this year. I am normally a right on track 28 days kind of girl, but ever since the D&E my periods have been coming like every 6 weeks. She said to try & not worry about it (no pressure) & to call them when I do get it & we will see if they can squeeze it in, or if I will need to be re dated. Oh well, such is life, I guess nothing ever works out the way we plan, does it? I want to bitch about friends with kids, but I'm not going to, it's not their fault this is happening to me & it's better to just shut up about it.

We put off our vacation that we were planning for our 5 year anniversary this November, because we thought we would maybe be pregnant & didn't want to have to worry about things while in another Country, so this sucks. If we do have to wait till next year, we are outta of here & somewhere nice with strong drinks & sandy beaches. We also go to my parent's vacation home in Florida for Christmas every year & put that off as well, because we weren't sure what my status would be. I'm sure tickets now would be butt-ass expensive. I guess we will just wait & see what happens, breathe, breathe, breathe.......

In more positive news, we are having a dinner party Saturday night with a couple from work. They have no kids, are great fun & I am so excited to have them over for eats & drinks! Here is the menu:

Appetizer - Tomato, bacon & pesto tartlets
Main Course - Manicotti with homemade marinara & blue cheese salad
Dessert - Tiramisu cups
Drinks - Plenty of good wine! :)
I think I will post picture of everything I make next week, you can use your smellavision & enjoy!!

We are also checking out a new restaurant tonight (Chambers Kitchen) in downtown Minneapolis. Our Realtor gave us a gift card for this place when we closed on the town home. I'll let you know if it's tasty!

All is going well with the new house, we had all the carpet replaced, now our next project is the kitchen remodel, dah, dah, dah! That is going to be ONE BIG project.

I am getting my hair cut & colored this afternoon, so hopefully that will make me feel good & help with my crabbiness as of late! My poor Husband, he needs an award for putting up with me.

Even when I don't post I still keep up with everyone & am glad there is plenty of good news going around lately, that makes me happy! Have a great weekend!

My baby died, blah, blah, blah..............

So, it's the day of the shower & I stayed in bed until 10:00am thinking about it. I want to support my friend, but it's so hard for me to think about going & having people I don't know ask if I have kids, etc. Do I say, yes actually I did have a son, he didn't make it past 18 weeks gestation, or do I say, the polite thing, which is no, I don't? Ugh, I don't know what to do. I am leaning towards not going to spare myself the pain, but is it right to do that to my friend? I already got & wrapped all of her gifts, but I could just bring them to her house one night this week. Why is life so hard? I know my situation could be worse, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act? I feel like people who haven't walked in my shoes have no clue how much this sucks. Breathe, it's all going to be O.K., I am going to drop my gift off at her house & be at peace with skipping this event.
I wish life were easier, as I am sure all of you do as well...................

Do I open the China Adoption paperwork I received in the mail yesterday, or do I hold out hope for the FET transfer? When I think about it I have hope it will work, it did before, right??? When we were at Target the other night my Husband & I saw these two cute little girls, he said, I hope we have that someday. They were little blond girls. Can a girl dare to dream? It breaks my heart when he says stuff like that. It's physically my problem, but I can't do anything about it? God, help me... reveal your plan for me. Is that too much to ask for? At this point I just want a baby, I know I will be a great Mom & my Husband a great father, now we just need directions on how to get there.

Will the FET transfer be a success? I am on my knees, please let this work.

And in the mail it came, the dreaded invitation..da-da-da!

I got a baby shower invitation in the mail yesterday from a good friend who is due a week before I was supposed to be. She was very supportive through everything & never insensitive at all. I think I am going to nut up & attend this one folks. Normally, I would do my drop off a gift & not attend move, but I need to be happy for her, respectful of her & get over myself for the day. I wonder how I will get through the event since there will obviously not be any alcoholic beverages served there. Hopefully I don't turn into one of those Life*time women who are running out to their car to swig back some Vodka on the the sly (I'm referencing you, Suzanne So*mers). I kid you, I can wait till I get home for that!! Agghh, I kill myself....

Anyway, feeling much better today & finally letting it sink in that there are other options for having children, aside from shooting one out myself. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I am just scared to hope that maybe, just maybe, we will finally get our wish this fall. Regardless, it will be O.K., I will be O.K. & everything will be fine.

Hoping things get better soon...

Wishing I was on this beach again, sipping drinks, reading books & being happy.

We went to our closing for the townhome two weeks ago on a Friday afternoon & it went really well, I am so thankful. A really nice girl & her fiance bought our old place & I hope they love it as much as we did. Her sister was her Realtor & just had a baby 6 weeks ago (she was really understanding when we were in the Hospital trying to deliver the baby as she was currently pregnant & they were trying to get our signatures on the paperwork). Well, she made a comment about how being in the Real Estate business it was really unfortunate that her baby was due in the summer, because it is her busiest time of the year. They really tried & wanted to have the baby in the fall, but she just got pregnant right away & there was nothing they could do about it. Oh, poor thing, I feel really bad for her. Then they showed us his baby pictures & she kept going on about it...I could tell that my Realtor was squirming in his seat & the look on his face said, get me the hell outa here. My God, people are so insensitive sometimes. Whatever, maybe I'm too sensitive about it, who knows, all I know is it pissed me off. I'm sure if I wasn't infertile, I would probably say something dumb-ass like that too. It's all about perspective I guess. If I ever manage to get pregnant again & actually have a living baby, I will seriously shit my pants.

My Husband is worried that I am isolating myself because of the baby stuff, I understand where he's coming from, but I don't think that's the case. I think I have been really good about trying to be as normal as possible & still doing things with our friends that have kids. For instance, at Church this past Sunday all of our friends were in a group talking afterwards & we were the only ones without a baby with us & it was awkward. There was a MOM conference at Church that weekend, so everyone was talking about that, it was just weird. I didn't cry & scream like I wanted to, I just stood there politely & pretended that I was fine. Every Sunday we get ready for Church, I know what I will have to face when I get there, but I still go, don't I? I don't want to be that Freak person people can't be around, but I don't know how to feel any differently. I hope that someday soon I start feeling better & not so sorry for myself. I hate being fake around people & pretending I am fine & happy for everyone, it's getting really old.

I've also been thinking about adoption lately. I feel like I just want to get on with life & have a baby of my own, all this waiting is really trying. I feel bad that I would miss out on the experience of being pregnant & having a baby that is something my Husband & I created, but in the end, don't I just want to be a Mom? I guess we will just see what happens this fall & go from there.

We are dated!!

The nurse called back yesterday afternoon. We are dated for our FET Transfer, will have my saline sonogram, trial transfer & RN Consult in Sep, start meds Oct 3, transfer date set for Nov 2. That is just a week before our 5 year anniversary, it sure would be nice to celebrate a little something extra! :)
Now, I must get my fill of wine in before November, I think I can handle that task.



Congrats to Steph @ A Few Good Eggs on her BFP, you go girl!!