And in the mail it came, the dreaded invitation..da-da-da!

I got a baby shower invitation in the mail yesterday from a good friend who is due a week before I was supposed to be. She was very supportive through everything & never insensitive at all. I think I am going to nut up & attend this one folks. Normally, I would do my drop off a gift & not attend move, but I need to be happy for her, respectful of her & get over myself for the day. I wonder how I will get through the event since there will obviously not be any alcoholic beverages served there. Hopefully I don't turn into one of those Life*time women who are running out to their car to swig back some Vodka on the the sly (I'm referencing you, Suzanne So*mers). I kid you, I can wait till I get home for that!! Agghh, I kill myself....

Anyway, feeling much better today & finally letting it sink in that there are other options for having children, aside from shooting one out myself. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I am just scared to hope that maybe, just maybe, we will finally get our wish this fall. Regardless, it will be O.K., I will be O.K. & everything will be fine.

Hoping things get better soon...

Wishing I was on this beach again, sipping drinks, reading books & being happy.

We went to our closing for the townhome two weeks ago on a Friday afternoon & it went really well, I am so thankful. A really nice girl & her fiance bought our old place & I hope they love it as much as we did. Her sister was her Realtor & just had a baby 6 weeks ago (she was really understanding when we were in the Hospital trying to deliver the baby as she was currently pregnant & they were trying to get our signatures on the paperwork). Well, she made a comment about how being in the Real Estate business it was really unfortunate that her baby was due in the summer, because it is her busiest time of the year. They really tried & wanted to have the baby in the fall, but she just got pregnant right away & there was nothing they could do about it. Oh, poor thing, I feel really bad for her. Then they showed us his baby pictures & she kept going on about it...I could tell that my Realtor was squirming in his seat & the look on his face said, get me the hell outa here. My God, people are so insensitive sometimes. Whatever, maybe I'm too sensitive about it, who knows, all I know is it pissed me off. I'm sure if I wasn't infertile, I would probably say something dumb-ass like that too. It's all about perspective I guess. If I ever manage to get pregnant again & actually have a living baby, I will seriously shit my pants.

My Husband is worried that I am isolating myself because of the baby stuff, I understand where he's coming from, but I don't think that's the case. I think I have been really good about trying to be as normal as possible & still doing things with our friends that have kids. For instance, at Church this past Sunday all of our friends were in a group talking afterwards & we were the only ones without a baby with us & it was awkward. There was a MOM conference at Church that weekend, so everyone was talking about that, it was just weird. I didn't cry & scream like I wanted to, I just stood there politely & pretended that I was fine. Every Sunday we get ready for Church, I know what I will have to face when I get there, but I still go, don't I? I don't want to be that Freak person people can't be around, but I don't know how to feel any differently. I hope that someday soon I start feeling better & not so sorry for myself. I hate being fake around people & pretending I am fine & happy for everyone, it's getting really old.

I've also been thinking about adoption lately. I feel like I just want to get on with life & have a baby of my own, all this waiting is really trying. I feel bad that I would miss out on the experience of being pregnant & having a baby that is something my Husband & I created, but in the end, don't I just want to be a Mom? I guess we will just see what happens this fall & go from there.

We are dated!!

The nurse called back yesterday afternoon. We are dated for our FET Transfer, will have my saline sonogram, trial transfer & RN Consult in Sep, start meds Oct 3, transfer date set for Nov 2. That is just a week before our 5 year anniversary, it sure would be nice to celebrate a little something extra! :)
Now, I must get my fill of wine in before November, I think I can handle that task.



Congrats to Steph @ A Few Good Eggs on her BFP, you go girl!!

If I ever talk about wanting to move again, stab me.....

I don't think Max is excited about moving........OMG, I forgot how much work moving is, yikes! We have been working all day everyday since we closed on our new home on Friday, I need a break & a beer! :) We have all of our stuff over at the new place now, so tonight we are heading over to the town home to do some cleaning & get ready for the walk through & close on that place Friday. We are re carpeting our new place, so my Husband's brother has been working dilugently on that for us, thanks bro! I can't wait to be settled & get started on decorating & making the place our own. Fresh starts are always good!
We had our follow up with our RE yesterday morning. It went pretty well, she said it isn't perfect science & sometimes these things happen & since all was fine with our baby, it isn't likely to be a recurrence. We talked about FET & how many embryo's we would thaw. She said out of the 13 we have frozen, 6 are excellent. She said there is a 50% survival rate, so she recommends unthawing all the straws we have hoping 2-3 of the 6 best survive & continue to grow. We are most likely going to put two back, but we talked a little about 3. We haven't made the final decision yet, she said we can see how the thawing goes & make our decision then. The FET transfer nurse left me a message to get our dating set today, but I called back & now they haven't called me back, so just waiting. It will most likely be Sep or Oct. She said it will be BCP's again, Lupron, PIO & some pills this time...I can't remember the name of them & she also said I should start taking my Prenatal & folic acid now. She asked if there was anything she could do to help us at all & my Husband asked if we could get a refund on our first IVF, I don't think she thought that was too funny. Here we go, back on the roller coaster!!!!

Lately, whenever I think about my pregancy, I wish I would have enjoyed it more. I was such a bundle of nerves the whole time, I didn't stop to actually experience the joy of my baby's life inside of me. Coulda, shoulda, woulda, I know, but if I could go back, I would enjoy every single minute of it, damn straight I would. I can only hope that there will be next time, so here's to hoping!!!

And the results are in folks........

Our findings represent a normal male karyotype. No numerical or structural chromosomal abnormality was found.
WTF? Why did my baby die then? When I got the call today, I immediately got nervous & thought, O.K., lay it on me. "Mrs. S. nothing was wrong with the baby, it was a perfectly normal male". Then what happened? The answer is they don't know. I know I should be glad that nothing was wrong for the sake of future pregnancies, but it would make it much easier to swallow. I got them to fax me a copy of the report to bring to the appointment with the RE on the 23rd. I am really looking forward to that meeting. I feel like then at least I will have something set for when we will begin the FET & I can have that to look forward to. It seems like such a joke right now to have to use condoms for a few months, in case we get pregnant you know...Because it is a possibility according to Dr. OB, OMG, it kills me.
Our two Best couple friends came over on Saturday night for a Birthday Party for one of the Husband's. We had an Italian theme, I made Spaghetti Bolognese, Prosciutto with melon, salad & bread. We had plenty of wine & champagne, it was really fun. Both of those couples now have kids & it's hard, because you can't be mad at them for talking about baby stuff all the time, but whenever they do, my Husband & I just sit there & look stupid. Then when they realize they are talking about baby stuff too much, it gets really awkward & everyone just stares at us. They asked to see Christian's footprints though & that was nice. It's good to know they acknowledge him & that they care.
Now for something positive, my trip to Atlanta was a total blast. We sat in the sun everyday, had cocktail hour around 3:00, went to the outlet malls, had dinner out, made tasty dinners, got foot massages, drank plenty of wine, it was so much fun! I love my Best Friend, she is the greatest, I miss her already! :(
Well, the big move is in 2 weeks, I can't believe it is coming up so fast! We are in the midst of packing & getting stuff ready, I forgot how much it sucks to move! Oh well, it will definitely be worth it in the end.

Leaving on a jet plane!!

This is the week that I leave for Atlanta to visit my Best Friend, Steph. I usually get there about twice a year & this year has flown by so quick with no visit yet! This picture was taken at my Wedding in Barbados, 2002, aren't we cute? I am the blonde, obviously! :) I am looking forward to seeing her & relaxing, I think it might be just what I need. We are going to drink loads of wine, make tasty dinners, play cards, frequent some wine bars, drink more wine & then some more wine! Get the picture? :) I'll post a few pictures when I get back into town.

So, Church was a disaster scene yesterday. We were standing there talking with our Best Friends who just had their baby & another couple comes up & starts talking about how awesome it is they had their baby & how blessed they are & OMG isn't it just a miracle, blah, blah, blah. The Husband got really uncomfortable & kept trying to change the subject, but this guy would just not let it go. He even knows our situation. Some people are so clueless it kills me. Everyone googled over the baby & showed off their babies, I wanted to stab myself...seriously. What I really wanted to say was, "Jeez people, I would have brought my baby, but he's dead, sorry". God, am I a sicko or what? We can tell that our friends are really making an effort to still try & do things with us even though they are all really busy with their kids & new babies, etc., so that's certainly nice & I appreciate it. We've gotten several offers for people to bring us meals & things. I also haven't been sleeping the best lately, I seem to wake up around 3:00 or so & stay awake until about 6:00, it sucks. I keep waking up in a cold sweat & having dreams about dead babies who are not mine.

In other news, we found a house (finally one we could agree on) & we close on July 20th. I am super psyched for that & it has helped to keep my mind occupied. We started to pack up some of our stuff this weekend & are getting rid of stuff as well. I was going to post some pictures, but it's not on the MLS anymore, so it will have to wait until we move in. There is a big three season porch on the back with a hot tub & will be perfect for those Minnesota winters! We are going to put a bar in there as well, so we can indulge while soaking. :)

I talked to my Husband a little about adoption last night. I just wanted to get a feel for what his thoughts were on that. He is up for it, but we are not done trying for our own yet! :)

My Mom had a 50th Birthday Party for my Dad this weekend & it was a blast. It was so nice to be out & about again, having a glass (or three) of wine & socializing. All of their friends were very supportive of us & seemed to be able to talk about the loss of our baby & give their condolences without feeling uncomfortable, that was really refreshing. They didn't avoid or tell stories of their neighbors Best Friend's sister who finally had a baby when she started to adopt, or any of that crap. It was just to the point, sorry for your loss, that just plain blows is there anything we can do for you? Amen, thank you.

One final note, my good friend, Julie, is going to be making me a braclet. It is going to have stones that represent different things like, the circle of life, love, hope, family etc. Then for the clasp it will have dangling initials, CJS, & a heart with little footprints. I am psyched for this, it is so nice of her to do that for me & I will always have something on me to remember him by. I don't want him to be forgotten. Not that I can't be better & move on, but he was mine, albeit for a brief time, but all the same he was mine & I never want to forget that.

As always, thanks for the tremendous outporing of support, it helps & for that I am grateful.

When the going gets tough...

My follow up appointment with my Dr. went well today. I was nervous on my way over that I was going to cry inappropriately or something, but in the end all was good. He said that the report is not back yet on the baby & he asked if I had set something up with our RE yet, I said it was set for the end of July. He said to call back in about 2 weeks if we had not heard anything on that, so that we can get the info to her by the meeting. He said the preliminary surgical pathology report came back fine, the placenta was fine, the umbilical cord was fine, so he said now we just wait for the other report. He did say that it's possible nothing was wrong with the baby. He said he knew that would be hard to accept considering how long it took to get pregnant, but not to be discouraged by that. He also said to be really careful with getting pregnant right now. He laughed knowing that it took us four years to get this far & that was with ART, but he said I should be really fertile right now & they want to make sure I wait at least 3 months, if not longer. My uterus is back to normal size, no irregular bleeding & all is looking good so far for recovery. I am thankful for that & am hopeful for the future. It was hard to read the surgical report he gave me for the RE. It said all kinds of stuff under products of conception, upper extrematies noted, 5 digits, normal skull, foot length, etc. Ugh, that's my baby, I wish things would have worked out differently for us to have had the baby normally & to have held him for as long as possible, but not much I can do at this point.
This e-mail was sent to us while we were in the hospital from someone who had been through this before. I found it to be of much comfort & very fitting to share with you all:

Deut. 29:29 (there are things we cannot understand)
John 10:10!!! (To know God's unchanging character is SO important-this is not His doing! He's a LIFE giver!)
Phil 4:8 (You will need this one a LOT)
Psalms is such a healing book. My Husband would read these to me as I was waiting to deliver and after and I literally felt like LIFE was going into me...I was desperate for hope and the Lord ministered to me in a very intimate way using the Word.
Psalms 3:3-4, 6, 40, 42, 43, 46, 51:8-13 ("broken bones" here is referring to crushing conviction), 62:1-8, 63, 71, 73:23-28, 77, 119:12-end, 23!, 61:1-4, 91:4, 57:3 & 10, 34:18 &19
Eph 3:14-20
John 14:18
My heart is with you dear heart. And I am praying for you, for the strength of God to rise up within you, for a comfort that is tangible and unexplainable to be around you, for you to feel the love of God through this terrible storm. I will testify that during this very very painful storm of my life, the Word was my LIFE and I breathed it to survive. The Lord says the Word holds supernatural power, and to be read aloud actually does something in the Spirit realm we cannot understand but is very powerful. Renew your mind on the Truth of the Word and let it's healing balm cover you. I had faith-filled music going through the whole process and of course after. The enemy would love nothing more than to shipwreck your faith and cause you to doubt the Word and the Lord through this tragedy. FIGHT for your faith and settle it with God that He is NOT to blame, that although you don't understand and you are hurting so very badly, you will put your trust in Him. He IS faithful...as in that is WHO He is. FAITHFUL. He cannot change and is always the same. He ADORES you and hurts with you. We do not understand such things but trust that our precious little ones are in the hands of a loving Father, and what healing it brings to know that we will meet them and love on them in Heaven. I tried to shift my thoughts there when the pain felt so unbearable. Back to Phil 4:8!
I described coming through this as feeling like I was in the most frightening violent storm, and yet feeling somehow that I was wrapped up in this warm blanket. Still had to go through it but I felt the prayers and the Word covering me with undefinable warmth. I took such hope from the so many I was to find that had lived through the same...seeing that they survived and I will too. You will survive this heartbreak, even if at times you wish you wouldn't. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! He will NEVER leave you or forsake you. Be strengthened. Be comforted. Let the Lord love you through. He WILL restore you. He is your Healer, your Comforter, and the Lifter of your heart.

Things are starting to get better, I feel better, life is a little better, so I know I will be fine. Congrats to all the BFP's out there, you go girls, & good luck to all who are still waiting... hang in there, you WILL get there!!