And The Panic Sets In....

It's tomorrow, OMG, what will the results be? Will I finally become a Mother? Will it be a big fat negative? How will I react to the results? How will my Husband feel?
Speaking of my Husband, has been so supportive during this whole process & I love him more than I could ever imagine. He hugs me when I am wallowing in self pity & crying so hard I can't breathe, he tells me it will be our turn someday & that he has hope...he knows this will work. He sent my favorite, Gerbera Daisies, to me at work yesterday. The card read, My Beautiful Wife, I am so incredibly proud of you, I Love you, Your Husband. He has gathered the masses, getting all of our friends & family to rally & pray for us. I have been literally overwhelmed by the outpouring of support & comfort we have received over the last 3 + years struggling with this infertility. I was brought to tears at Church on Sunday when one of our Pastors came over to us, hugged us & said I love you guys & have been praying faithfully for you. The tears were of joy, that people care that much & that I have such amazing people in my life. No matter what the result is tomorrow, I know that I will have people there for me that will support me.
I am so grateful that I found all of the IF Blogs out there, your blogs comfort me, give me hope & also let me feel your pain. It's nice to know that someone gets it. Sometimes people's posts make me cry, I wish none of you had to endure this heartache, it's just not fair. Everyone of you out there would make amazing Mothers & hopefully one day you will be.
To all my friend's out there who are Mothers, you inspire me & I am so happy for you. Don't be scared to tell me when you are pregnant again, or not talk about all things baby around me. I will let you know if I can't handle it, but I still want to be a part of your life.

Wow, that was really sappy, sorry about that. Anyway, on to crapping my pants for tomorrow's blood test. God help me.....

OMG, I'm losing it!

Today is the first day it has actually hit me...I am starting to crack under the pressure! Every time someone talks to me, I start tearing up & accumulating large wads of snot rags in my garbage can. How does everyone handle the stress of this?? It's so nerve-racking, I want to down a jug of Boones Farm & bite every single one of my nails off. My co-workers have removed all sharp object & handguns from my work area. They have me on watch until D-day.

I was at a friend's house last night, she had to give me my Progesterone shot because my Hubby is in Chicago on business for a few days. She was holding her newborn, started crying & told me that she wants this so badly for me, because she never knew she could experience this much joy & enjoys Motherhood more than she ever imagined. Most people can't imagine what it is like not to be able to conceive. Well let me tell you, it frickin' blows goats. It sucks to want something so much & not be able to have any control over the outcome. I feel like my body has let me down.
I'm trying to stay as positive as possible, but it's hard. I've been having some mild cramps the last couple of days, so every time I go the restroom I'm checking to see if AF is here...See what a Freak I am?? My Husband is extremely positive about everything. He feels that God wouldn't have gotten us this far, only to let us down, but I've been let down many times. Anyway, sorry for all of the depressing talk today, I will snap out of it!! :)
I'm having a Baby Shower in April for one of our Best Couple Friend's, she is due in June. She had three miscarriages last year, so it is awesome that she has made it this far. I'm a little aprehensive about the whole thing, but feel I can't be so selfish as not to do this for her...Should be interesting.

I hope everyone has a great weekend & I will be praying & hoping for all of you. Tonight I will consume mass quantities of food & watch "The Departed" & "Saw III", jealous?

Two Little Embryos Sitting in a Uterus....

Hi All!
The embryos are now on board, yeah!! The Dr. said that the transfer couldn't have gone better. We had 15 embryos that went to Blast, they put the best two in & the rest are on ice. :) Now the waiting begins, yikes! My blood draw is scheduled for next Wednesday morning, so I will keep you posted.
I am pretty impressed with myself so far, I am usually the Queen of Worrying, but have held it together pretty well so far. There was a little incident at Church on Sunday when surrounded by 4 of our friends who are pregnant & they were all talking about their due date & symptoms, blah, blah, blah. One said she can't wait to get this kid out. Really, that's weird, I can't wait to get one in. It's hard for me to be around those people sometimes, they have no idea how lucky they truly are. I started to get quiver crying lip, but was able to keep it in! :)
I hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day! The Hubby & I are going to grill fillets with Gorgonzola sauce, asparagus & garlic mashed potatoes. I will miss my delicious Chardonnay though, but it's worth it.

Now get busy and attach my little embryos!!

Fertilization Update!

I got a call from the Embryologist on my way to work this morning. She said that there were actually 22 eggs retrieved, 19 were mature & 18 have fertilized. She said that they look excellent. Praise God!! Looks like my transfer will be on Monday, so I'll keep you posted.
I know we have a long way to go, but this is the first good news that I have gotten in the last 3+ years, so I am going to revel in it!! Tonight we are celebrating this milestone by cooking a gourmet dinner & going to see "Hannibal Rising". I know, good celebratory movie choice, hey?? :)

I am hoping and praying for everyone out there, Infertility is a "Beast", glad I can go through it will all of you.

Plentiful Harvest!!

The Egg Retrieval went very well yesterday, the Dr. was able to retrieve 18 eggs...I am so thankful for that. He exclaimed, "My, you have a good crop". My Husband & I had a good laugh about that one. Where do they come up with this stuff? :) The staff at the clinic was awesome & made the whole process go very smoothly. We are supposed to get a call from the Embryologist tomorrow to let us know how the fertilization is coming along. The Husband keeps saying, "I've got a 90% penetration rate...never fear, my swimmers will get the job done". Thanks Babe!! :)
The Dr. is hoping for a 5 day transfer, so most likely the procedure will be on Monday, providing that things go well. The Dr. also informed me that "Planet Pooch" will not be shrinking anytime in the near future. He said it won't shrink until after we are all done with everything. Oh well, PP has kind of become part of our family now.

I'm starting to get a little more nervous now that everything is in motion. I feel like bursting into tears one minute & flashes of hope the next. It's like the plan that we had for our life isn't working out the way we imagined & I also feel bad for my Husband, that he might never have biological children because of me. At this point in my life, I just can't imagine a life without children, but I know many people do it & they live happy lives. I just hope I can be content no matter what happens & not let the "Green Demon", that is jealousy, rear it's ugly head on my friends that have children, or are pregnant. It makes me feel like a bad, crappy person. I need to keep reminding myself that I have a wonderful Husband, awesome friends, the Best Friend in the world (thanks Steph M.), cute kitties & an all around great life.
I will keep everyone posted, I appreciate all the kind words & prayers from everyone. I couldn't ask for better friends!! :)

Adios Little Eggies!

Yesterday's Ultra Sound revealed that we are almost ready for Egg Retrieval, Hallelujah, can I get an Amen!! We went back again this morning & found out I have 9 mature follicles on the right, 7 on the left & 7 between the two that could mature after tonight's HCG shot. The Ultra Sound Tech was attacked by two bulging ovaries when she went in today... She said they were so weighed down by eggs they were almost touching each other. This makes me feel much better about my protruding stomach, that way I can blame the ovaries & not the mass quantities of food that I consumed over the weekend. Most follicles were 18-19 mm, I had a couple that were 22 mm, whooo!! The Egg Retrieval is scheduled for Wednesday, so I will keep you posted. My Husband informed the Nurse this morning that our last intercourse was Friday Night, she replied with, "yes, now nothing else until Wednesday when you guys come in". I gather that this was not the news he was hoping to hear. I get this impression from the way he was gyrating around the bedroom this morning while saying, "you want some of this"?

My weekend was pretty uneventful, woke up bright & early both mornings & thought, hmm...4 weekends in a row with no hangover, so this is what it feels like. No, I am not an alcoholic, just slightly addicted to white wine in mass quantities. Watched a couple movies, ate some food (slight exaggeration) & attended a Super Bowl Party.

Well, I'm off to take my eggs for a walk to the Beverage Machine...Till next time...

Growing, growing, growing!

Today's Ultra Sound was much less painful than Wednesday's, thank you very much. Most of my follicles were 14 mm, had one 16 mm (when the nurse announced that one, my Husband screamed out, "Oh yeah Baby, that's what I'm talking about"). There was a nurse in training in the room with us today, I think she was a little frightened of the bald man, but that's O.K., I still love him. I have another Ultra Sound scheduled for Sunday morning, so will know then if the little eggies are mature enough for the HCG shot.
According to our IVF Handbook, tonight is the last night for sexual relations, oh goody!! I was already being chased around the house last night by The Husband with his pants down, I said, "save it for tomorrow night, Good God". Yes Ladies, that's my Husband, jealous? Tonight is the Guys Poker Friday, so I am sure I will be woken up by the maniac at an Ungodly hour... Can't wait.

Cheers Everyone...if you are in Minnesota, stay warm this weekend & don't freeze your ta-ta's off!!