I've seen better days...

Today I am pissed. I'm pissed that my baby died, I'm pissed that I've been infertile for the last four years, I'm pissed that the 20 year old at Target was registering for her baby items while I was shopping for another friend's baby gift yet again, while I could hear her saying, "Dude, we should totally get this wipe warmer". God help me, I am so mad that there is no way I can get what I want by working hard for it, or pursing it with fervor, it is something I can't control & it makes me so mad. Why am I having such bad luck? I don't know, but it's frustrating. I know things could be worse, but right now this feels pretty bad. I don't know why I am being tortured to be the only one of all our friends unable to have children. I'm tired of being happy for my friends, I want to experience their joy & not my heartbreak & disappointment. I feel bad for wanting them to feel for one hour the pain I feel all the time. I want them to know how much it hurts.
I want to enjoy life again, I want to be happy & not thinking about dead babies & feeling sorry for myself. Some of our friends say at least we can afford to do IVF. Well, you know what? That's our hard earned money & I would give up all of the financial luxuries we have for a baby. Money doesn't bring happiness. Sure, it makes life easier, but it does not make you happy. if I could only have a baby, I would be willing to sacrifice so much for it.
I went to visit our best friend's last night that just had their baby last week. She was so cute, I could have held her all night. I'm sure our friends are scared of our vunerability right now. They probably want to lock all the doors to ensure that we don't run off with their baby. :) My friend said, "would you want to go through that again"? I wanted to say, "wouldn't you do anything for this new baby girl you have"? Why would my situation be any different. It is just a harder road, but one that I am willing to travel if it means a baby in my future.
Today is just a bad day, I am looking forward to the future & brighter days...Things will get better, I know they will & I will be fine.

I have my follow up check-up for the D&E with my Dr. next week & then we have our consultation with RE the last week in July. I hope we get some answers & that things are looking good for the FET cycle.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Baby Blues.....

This post is probably just going to be a big jumble, but here goes anyway...This is a much harder road than I thought it was going to be. Not that I thought it was going to be easy, but there is a much greater sadness than I anticipated. How can you love something so much that you've never even seen? I'm not sure of that answer to that, but I know that I feel a deep, deep loss & it's scary. I want our baby back, I want to be setting up the nursery & reading baby books, not thinking about having to do IVF again.
Our best friend's had their baby today, it was a girl & I am so very happy for them, but also disappointed for myself. I haven't even called them yet, because I don't know if I can get through the phone call without crying & I certainly don't want to put a damper on their special day. They came to visit me in the Hospital three times while I was there & I feel like a horrible friend to not go visit them today, but I just can't go there. I will have to call them at some point & go seem them, but it's going to be difficult.
My Husband has been nothing but loving & supportive to me & so have all of our friends & family, but I still feel depressed. I'm sure it will just take time, or at least I hope so. We called our RE today to give her the news & scheduled a consultation for the end of July, as we should have the results of the genetic testing back by then. Then it's on to a FET Transfer, but not until we take a vacation & relax for the whole summer. I am researching vacations to Aruba right now, my Husband said we could go anywhere I want & that's where I want to go. I'm still off from work, my OB wrote me a note to be off until I see him in two weeks, but I will likely go back before that. I don't think I can sit home for that long. We also got a card from the nursing staff today, they are so sweet. I feel lucky to have had them care for me during that difficult time.
On a positive note, we sold our townhouse already. Can you believe it? We sold in a record three weeks. Our realtor is setting up a bunch of showings for this week, so we can get going. We lost the other house, because they got an offer where the people could move in, in two weeks & we hadn't sold our house by then, so couldn't compete. At least something is going right!! :) Also, I am going to visit my best friend, Steph, in Atlanta in three weeks, so looking forward to that, I miss her.

My Husband is worried that my faith is wavering & I must admit it is, but he had me read this today & I felt a little better:

Peter 1:6,7 So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

Christian James S.

Well, things didn't go as planned again. I got to the Hospital at 7:30am on Wednesday, they checked me in & started giving me suppositories to dilate my cervix, but by the next morning I still hadn't opened up at all. They kept me on the same suppositories as the Dr. said he had never seen anyone not react to them. Needless to say the suppositories make you feel like you have the flu, vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, fever & the chills. I started cramping in the afternoon on Thursday & they finally gave me an epidural to try & relax my uterus & because my back was spasming so badly. This helped greatly with the pain, but weird not to be able to feel your bottom half at all. Finally by Friday afternoon they decided to switch medicines & also use Laminaria (which are these thin sticks made from seaweed that expand once they are inserted near the cervix, to help it open up). These were able to get me dilated to a 1, but I needed to get to at least a 4 or 5 to deliver the baby. By this time I was getting stir crazy & just wanted this to be over with, it's bad enough I had to lose my baby, now I have to lay in a Hospital bed immobile for 5 days. There was a different on call Dr. everyday & they all kept calling in to see if I had delivered yet, but to their surprise I hadn't. Then on Saturday afternoon they said they would have to do a D&E on Sunday if nothing had happened yet, even though there could be complications with that due to the size of the baby. No surprise, nothing happened, so they proceeded with the D&E on Sunday morning. This meant that we wouldn't be able to hold or see our baby, maybe not even get the footprints we wanted. The nurses & Dr.'s said they would do the best they could to try & do that for us. The Dr. is 99% sure our baby was a boy & we were able to at least get the nurse to get us some footprints on some scrapbook paper my Mom brought to the Hospital. I will post this once I get back to work & can get it scanned. The Dr.'s said the proceedure couldn't have gone better & they don't believe there will be any damage to my uterus. We named our baby, Christian James, & even though we didn't get to see him, hold him or tell him how much we love him, he is so very beautiful & precious to us & I will always have my memory of him how I imagine him to be...nothing short of awesome & amazing in my eyes. The nurses were wonderful & made us a little blanket & booties & gave us a little Hospital bracelet. It's really hard to look at that stuff right now, but I'm glad that I have it for when I am ready.
I'm not really sure why this happened, but I am trying to hang on & believe that God has a plan for me & will honor me someday by giving me the desires of my heart.

Thanks again for your support & prayers, will not get through this without you.

18 weeks, bye my sweet baby....

We found out today that the baby has passed, I will give more details later. We have to be at the Hospital tomorrow at 7:30am, I will be induced & deliver the baby.

Thank you so much for all of your support & prayers, it means a great deal to me.

Jen

p.s. Any additional prayers are appreciated as well, tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Hurting...

My Husband & I met with my Nurse Practitioner today. She is a wonderful, kind woman & cried right along with both of us. It made me feel so much better to talk with her & she let me know what I could expect with everything. She said normally with pregnancies that have low fluid the baby doesn't go much past 25 weeks or so, so she said I can come in & hear the heart tones as much as I like, so we know if the baby is still with us. I decided that once a week will be my comfort level & we can go from there. She said once the baby passes they will induce me & I will deliver the baby. She said they can do a D&C, but we wouldn't be able to see the baby & she said I think you should hold your baby & let him/her know how much you love them. She said we will be able to hold the baby as long as we like & we can make arrangements before of after for her/him. She thinks it's a girl & so did the Perinatal Specialist, so hopefully we will be able to find out for sure when we go back for our follow up U/S in two weeks. We got to hear the heartbeat today (152) & it was so bittersweet. I can't believe that I finally made it to this point & now I am going to lose my so longed for baby. It's going to be difficult going through the upcoming weeks, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I think the reality of everything finally hit home with my Husband today, he was very emotional at the appointment & it's hard to see him hurting like that. I know that we will get through this & that someday we will get our baby to bring home. I keep praying to God that I can't take much more, so can this please be it for a while. Hopefully, he is listening.
More later.........

That dark cloud will not stop following me....

16 weeks, 2 days--
Today's visit with the Perinatal Specialist did not go well. The baby is measuring on track, heart rate 149, but the fluid has gone down even more. She said if she wanted to do an amnio she wouldn't even be able to, because there wouldn't be enough to even test. The baby also might have a hole in it's heart, there is so little fluid though, it's hard for them to see things clearly. She said she is concerned about this being related to some syndrome, which they can't pinpoint yet. She said she is 99% sure that this pregnancy will not end well. She said at this point it's up to us if we want to terminate due to the fatal problems, but I told her our stance on abortion, no matter what the situation is firm. I would rather have God take my baby, than have to make that decision for myself. That is only my personal feeling. She said she is fine with that, it's our decision. She will check us again in two weeks & maybe by some miracle of God the fluid will have gotten better, but it's doubtful. I asked her if the baby would be in any pain & she said absolutely not, when/if the baby passes it will be peaceful & the baby will be with it's Mom. She was very nice & compassionate, but honest, which I appreciate. She said this was just shitty luck & nothing I could have done, or would do, would change the outcome. She said when things go south they can do an autopsy & see if this would be a reoccurring problem & then they could possibly test the 13 remaining embryos.
Sucky way to start the weekend, but I am trying to be thankful for the things I do have in my life & glad that I had/will have this time with my baby.

Any prayers would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks my friends.

Beautiful Day--15 weeks, 1day!

Today is simply beautiful here in MN, sunny & 86 degrees, yahoo!!! All the grass is green now, the trees are full & all the flowers are blooming, I love this time of year. I planted my basil & dill in their pots, got my flowers out on the deck & life is good right now. The townhouse was put on the market Monday & we had a showing last night, one tonight & we have an open house on Saturday. We have a purchase agreement on a new house contingent upon selling ours, & we love it, so hoping our house sells!!
We got a letter in the mail with the results from the Perinatal Clinic, Down Syndrome is 1:10,000, & the Trisomy's are 1:9,450. Glad to get that news! Now if we can just get good news about the amniotic fluid when we go back for our U/S next Friday, I will finally be able to relax!! :) I am hoping & praying that things are looking up.
I booked a ticket to visit my best friend in Atlanta, GA for the end of June. I am so excited!!! We always have the best time whenever I visit. Normally we drink ourselves into a coma, so will have to find something else to do this time!! :) Will shop at the Outlet Malls, relax with books outside, & cook fabulous meals!! I can't wait.
In other news, My Husband bought a motorcycle two weeks ago. He got one of those Harley Sportster something or others. He is in love! He will sometimes just go into the garage start it, & rev it up just to listen to it, God help us........He's a Freak, but I love him!! :)