9 weeks, 5 days-Merry Christmas!

I had my final U/S with Dr. L at the Fertility Clinic last Friday. Things are still looking good, the babies were swimming away & their heartbeats were excellent according the U/S Tech & Dr. L. I asked her when I can stop being nervous & she said, "when they go off to College". Great, that's helpful! :)
She said to be sure & let my OB know that I am high risk considering my height of 4'11, she said shorter people with little feet have a higher chance of preterm labor. I am now down to 1 Estrace per day & still on 1cc of Progesterone, I had another blood draw this morning, the nurse should call me this afternoon to let me know if anything should change.
I kind of had a little meltdown yesterday & was crying all morning uncontrollably, I don't know what my problem was. I called my NP & she said to just come in & she would do a quick check on the babies to make sure they were O.K. & they were. Two more weeks & I will be at 12 weeks, yahoo! It can't come fast enough!!!

Merry Christmas!

OB Appointment, 8 wks-2 days!

Hi All! Sorry for not posting in so long, but I have been so nervous & talking about the pregnancy makes me even more nervous....I am scared.
Today I had my first appointment with the OB, well really the Nurse Practitioner. They are the same ones from last time, so they know my history & everything, which is really comforting. When the NP came in, she said, "I'm so glad to see you are back here again, how are you doing"? I started bawling of course & babbling on about how nervous I was. She said she would just do a quick U/S to make me feel better. They have a portable Vaginal one that they can just pop into the rooms with now, how awesome is that? Well both babies hearts were still beating away & it looks like they have alien heads & arm paddles now. She said things look great & the heartbeats were very strong. She said if she has to hold my hand through this whole pregnancy she will & we can do an U/S anytime I want. She said they will do a scheduled one at 12 weeks, 16 weeks & they will send me to the Perinatal Specialist for the 20 week one because of twins & what happened with my previous pregnancy. I will see her again in 2 weeks & finally my OB in 4 weeks. I see Dr. L one last time for an U/S this Friday at the Fertility Clinic.
On the symptom front, I don't have any morning sickness, I was feeling a little nauseous until they reduced my E*strace down to 2 pills per day, now nothing. That's partly why I have been so nervous, but my NP said about 20 percent of women just don't get MS. I have been really tired though & my back aches on & off, other than that nada. The NP said my uterus is already measuring at 10 weeks. She also said the chances of me losing a twin at this point are slim due to their growth & heart rates.

I need to relax & quit being so psychotic. Things are good right now, thank God.

Are you ready for the U/S results?

It's twins!!!!!
All looks good, 2 sacs, two perfect embryos & two beating hearts. The Dr. said things couldn't look better, she kept saying "look at those strong heartbeats". She said to not have deja vu about last time, things look awesome! I have normal size sacs people, normal!!!!! Whooo! I'm released to OB now, but she said to call anytime I want an U/S & they will still doing blood draws.

I couldn't ask for anything better!!!

2nd Beta.....

Beta today was 1442, whoooooo!! U/S is scheduled for Nov 30th!

Have a great weekend!

And the verdict is.............

Beta HCG - 600, I'm pregnant!

Back for another blood test Friday, then U/S in two weeks if everything looks good Friday. Please keep your fingers crossed, that's where it went wrong last time!

Whooo, please keep going little one(s)....

Today is the day!

Blood is drawn, now just waiting for the call....OMG, I forgot how nerve wracking this is!!!!!

Transfer is Complete!

Sorry for not posting sooner!
The transfer is complete, it was done Friday morning, they transferred two really good embryo's (B1 & B2, sorry I don't really know what that means, but assume it's good) & all went off without a hitch. It was the same Dr. who did our first transfer & we were glad, because we really liked him. When he came in he said, "I did your transfer last time, read what happened & I am very sorry for your loss. I hope to give you a better outcome this time". I was watching the monitor the whole time, but my Husband said the Dr. prayed right before he did the transfer, how cool is that? Anyway, was on bed rest for two days & now back to work. I've been having intermittent cramping, but it's been pretty light. Blood test is scheduled for November 14th. They had to thaw 8 to get the two, the others arrested, but we still have 5 on ice. Please let this work!!!

Hasta La Vista Lupron!!

Here I am, I'm still alive, don't worry I didn't go all Ann*a Nicole on your ass & OD. I was just in the depths of Lupron Hell. I don't know about everybody else, but that stuff makes me a crazy lunatic. To sum it up, Jen+Lupron=Crazy Biatch.
Today was my last shot, can I get an Amen?? Whoooo!! Gone with the night sweats, the mood swings, the horror of it all, hallelujah!!! I had an U/S on the 12th and all looked good, my ovaries were quiet (good girls) & my lining was a 4, right where they want it said Mrs. Nurse. I started Estrace & baby aspirin last week & just upped my dose of E to three pills a day starting today. My next check is on Monday & hopefully transfer will be a few days after that. It's getting closer & I'm getting anxious.
I am really trying hard to change my attitude towards this whole infertility thing. I find myself really angry & sarcastic all the time & that's just not me, well not the angry part anyway...Here is an example. There's a girl at work who just got married, was on the pill & is, yep you guessed it, Pregnant! She called me about a month after my miscarriage & said, "I heard a rumor", I said, "really, what's that"? She said, "I heard you are expecting". For the love of God & all that's Holy, why me? "Actually, I had a miscarriage about a month ago". Insert awkward silence. "Oh, O.K., talk to you later". WTF? Every time I run into her in the hall she is holding/rubbing her stomach & looking all angelic. When I am talking with her, in my head I am thinking, wow how awesome for you, you are so totally cool, let me get my noose & I'll just go hang myself. God, morbid isn't it? I also overheard someone at work telling a friend of his that his wife knows she's ovulating & they have been trying for a few months, they just don't know what is going on & she is really stressing about it. Really, really, seriously? Try 4 years Bastard Face...Meanwhile, they already have a 1 & 3 year old. Were those good examples of my raging anger? I know, like I said I'm working on it.
Our due date is on Halloween, so I have been feeling a little sad about that. We also got the burial notice from the Hospital & there was a number to call in the letter to set up a time to go over there if we want. We were thinking about taking next Wednesday off & doing that, but we are going to wait & see what happens with the U/S on Monday, so we know what day the transfer will be. We just got Season 4 of Nip Tuck in the mail yesterday, so guess what we will be doing while on bed rest? Love, love, love that show!

I am also in the process of researching two different adoption agencies, that is definitely something I am interested in & want to pursue. I know how long it takes to get a referral, so figured we might as well get started on the paperwork. My Husband's cousin left for Guatemala on Monday to go visit Rony (previous post). They can't bring him home yet, but they wanted to at least see him, since they have been waiting so long. Apparently there are lots of changes going on with adoptions in G & they are nervous they might not be able to adopt him now. I feel so bad for them, not only do they have to struggle with infertility, but now they can't even "just adopt" like people say. They would make great parents & they are already in love with him. I am praying that things work out for them & that they had a good, safe trip & that they were able to bond with him.

I'm still keeping up with everyone, I was just kind of out of it there for a while. I here by solemnly swear to be a better blogger...Amen.

Bring it on!

Here we go...Everything worked out & I finally got my period last Tuesday night, so started BCP on Wednesday & had my saline sonogram & trial transfer this afternoon. The Dr. said everything looked good, there was no scarring from the D&E & she said that I had one healthy looking uterus, yeah for me! My Husband & I talked about transferring three embryos, but our Dr. said she is worried about that & thinks it's too aggressive, so we are proceeding with two. She said we have 6 awesome embryos out of the 13, but they don't know which straws those are in, so my Husband is going to call the embryologist tomorrow & see what they suggest. The Dr. suggested unthawing them all, but that makes us a little nervous. We shall see! Start Lupron tomorrow morning & off we go. Estimated transfer is Oct 30, or 31st, would be a little weird if it was on the 31st as that was my previous due date. Thanks for hanging in there with me, keep the prayers coming & your fingers crossed.

Meet Rony, isn't he cute?

Sorry I haven't posted in so long, I've been in a funk recently. Isn't this the cutest boy you've ever seen? This is my Husband's cousins baby that they are adopting from Guatemala, they have been waiting 6 months already since his referral. They are hoping to finally have him by Christmas. I can't wait to meet him, I am in love already!!

Anyway, my cycle is all out of whack from the D&E & the whole miscarriage thing, so it's screwing up my dating for the FET. I am again two weeks late for AF, I talked with the Frozen Transfer Nurse yesterday & she said if I don't get my period by Monday we are going to be hard pressed to get a Frozen cycle in this year. I am normally a right on track 28 days kind of girl, but ever since the D&E my periods have been coming like every 6 weeks. She said to try & not worry about it (no pressure) & to call them when I do get it & we will see if they can squeeze it in, or if I will need to be re dated. Oh well, such is life, I guess nothing ever works out the way we plan, does it? I want to bitch about friends with kids, but I'm not going to, it's not their fault this is happening to me & it's better to just shut up about it.

We put off our vacation that we were planning for our 5 year anniversary this November, because we thought we would maybe be pregnant & didn't want to have to worry about things while in another Country, so this sucks. If we do have to wait till next year, we are outta of here & somewhere nice with strong drinks & sandy beaches. We also go to my parent's vacation home in Florida for Christmas every year & put that off as well, because we weren't sure what my status would be. I'm sure tickets now would be butt-ass expensive. I guess we will just wait & see what happens, breathe, breathe, breathe.......

In more positive news, we are having a dinner party Saturday night with a couple from work. They have no kids, are great fun & I am so excited to have them over for eats & drinks! Here is the menu:

Appetizer - Tomato, bacon & pesto tartlets
Main Course - Manicotti with homemade marinara & blue cheese salad
Dessert - Tiramisu cups
Drinks - Plenty of good wine! :)
I think I will post picture of everything I make next week, you can use your smellavision & enjoy!!

We are also checking out a new restaurant tonight (Chambers Kitchen) in downtown Minneapolis. Our Realtor gave us a gift card for this place when we closed on the town home. I'll let you know if it's tasty!

All is going well with the new house, we had all the carpet replaced, now our next project is the kitchen remodel, dah, dah, dah! That is going to be ONE BIG project.

I am getting my hair cut & colored this afternoon, so hopefully that will make me feel good & help with my crabbiness as of late! My poor Husband, he needs an award for putting up with me.

Even when I don't post I still keep up with everyone & am glad there is plenty of good news going around lately, that makes me happy! Have a great weekend!

My baby died, blah, blah, blah..............

So, it's the day of the shower & I stayed in bed until 10:00am thinking about it. I want to support my friend, but it's so hard for me to think about going & having people I don't know ask if I have kids, etc. Do I say, yes actually I did have a son, he didn't make it past 18 weeks gestation, or do I say, the polite thing, which is no, I don't? Ugh, I don't know what to do. I am leaning towards not going to spare myself the pain, but is it right to do that to my friend? I already got & wrapped all of her gifts, but I could just bring them to her house one night this week. Why is life so hard? I know my situation could be worse, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act? I feel like people who haven't walked in my shoes have no clue how much this sucks. Breathe, it's all going to be O.K., I am going to drop my gift off at her house & be at peace with skipping this event.
I wish life were easier, as I am sure all of you do as well...................

Do I open the China Adoption paperwork I received in the mail yesterday, or do I hold out hope for the FET transfer? When I think about it I have hope it will work, it did before, right??? When we were at Target the other night my Husband & I saw these two cute little girls, he said, I hope we have that someday. They were little blond girls. Can a girl dare to dream? It breaks my heart when he says stuff like that. It's physically my problem, but I can't do anything about it? God, help me... reveal your plan for me. Is that too much to ask for? At this point I just want a baby, I know I will be a great Mom & my Husband a great father, now we just need directions on how to get there.

Will the FET transfer be a success? I am on my knees, please let this work.

And in the mail it came, the dreaded invitation..da-da-da!

I got a baby shower invitation in the mail yesterday from a good friend who is due a week before I was supposed to be. She was very supportive through everything & never insensitive at all. I think I am going to nut up & attend this one folks. Normally, I would do my drop off a gift & not attend move, but I need to be happy for her, respectful of her & get over myself for the day. I wonder how I will get through the event since there will obviously not be any alcoholic beverages served there. Hopefully I don't turn into one of those Life*time women who are running out to their car to swig back some Vodka on the the sly (I'm referencing you, Suzanne So*mers). I kid you, I can wait till I get home for that!! Agghh, I kill myself....

Anyway, feeling much better today & finally letting it sink in that there are other options for having children, aside from shooting one out myself. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I am just scared to hope that maybe, just maybe, we will finally get our wish this fall. Regardless, it will be O.K., I will be O.K. & everything will be fine.

Hoping things get better soon...

Wishing I was on this beach again, sipping drinks, reading books & being happy.

We went to our closing for the townhome two weeks ago on a Friday afternoon & it went really well, I am so thankful. A really nice girl & her fiance bought our old place & I hope they love it as much as we did. Her sister was her Realtor & just had a baby 6 weeks ago (she was really understanding when we were in the Hospital trying to deliver the baby as she was currently pregnant & they were trying to get our signatures on the paperwork). Well, she made a comment about how being in the Real Estate business it was really unfortunate that her baby was due in the summer, because it is her busiest time of the year. They really tried & wanted to have the baby in the fall, but she just got pregnant right away & there was nothing they could do about it. Oh, poor thing, I feel really bad for her. Then they showed us his baby pictures & she kept going on about it...I could tell that my Realtor was squirming in his seat & the look on his face said, get me the hell outa here. My God, people are so insensitive sometimes. Whatever, maybe I'm too sensitive about it, who knows, all I know is it pissed me off. I'm sure if I wasn't infertile, I would probably say something dumb-ass like that too. It's all about perspective I guess. If I ever manage to get pregnant again & actually have a living baby, I will seriously shit my pants.

My Husband is worried that I am isolating myself because of the baby stuff, I understand where he's coming from, but I don't think that's the case. I think I have been really good about trying to be as normal as possible & still doing things with our friends that have kids. For instance, at Church this past Sunday all of our friends were in a group talking afterwards & we were the only ones without a baby with us & it was awkward. There was a MOM conference at Church that weekend, so everyone was talking about that, it was just weird. I didn't cry & scream like I wanted to, I just stood there politely & pretended that I was fine. Every Sunday we get ready for Church, I know what I will have to face when I get there, but I still go, don't I? I don't want to be that Freak person people can't be around, but I don't know how to feel any differently. I hope that someday soon I start feeling better & not so sorry for myself. I hate being fake around people & pretending I am fine & happy for everyone, it's getting really old.

I've also been thinking about adoption lately. I feel like I just want to get on with life & have a baby of my own, all this waiting is really trying. I feel bad that I would miss out on the experience of being pregnant & having a baby that is something my Husband & I created, but in the end, don't I just want to be a Mom? I guess we will just see what happens this fall & go from there.

We are dated!!

The nurse called back yesterday afternoon. We are dated for our FET Transfer, will have my saline sonogram, trial transfer & RN Consult in Sep, start meds Oct 3, transfer date set for Nov 2. That is just a week before our 5 year anniversary, it sure would be nice to celebrate a little something extra! :)
Now, I must get my fill of wine in before November, I think I can handle that task.



Congrats to Steph @ A Few Good Eggs on her BFP, you go girl!!

If I ever talk about wanting to move again, stab me.....

I don't think Max is excited about moving........OMG, I forgot how much work moving is, yikes! We have been working all day everyday since we closed on our new home on Friday, I need a break & a beer! :) We have all of our stuff over at the new place now, so tonight we are heading over to the town home to do some cleaning & get ready for the walk through & close on that place Friday. We are re carpeting our new place, so my Husband's brother has been working dilugently on that for us, thanks bro! I can't wait to be settled & get started on decorating & making the place our own. Fresh starts are always good!
We had our follow up with our RE yesterday morning. It went pretty well, she said it isn't perfect science & sometimes these things happen & since all was fine with our baby, it isn't likely to be a recurrence. We talked about FET & how many embryo's we would thaw. She said out of the 13 we have frozen, 6 are excellent. She said there is a 50% survival rate, so she recommends unthawing all the straws we have hoping 2-3 of the 6 best survive & continue to grow. We are most likely going to put two back, but we talked a little about 3. We haven't made the final decision yet, she said we can see how the thawing goes & make our decision then. The FET transfer nurse left me a message to get our dating set today, but I called back & now they haven't called me back, so just waiting. It will most likely be Sep or Oct. She said it will be BCP's again, Lupron, PIO & some pills this time...I can't remember the name of them & she also said I should start taking my Prenatal & folic acid now. She asked if there was anything she could do to help us at all & my Husband asked if we could get a refund on our first IVF, I don't think she thought that was too funny. Here we go, back on the roller coaster!!!!

Lately, whenever I think about my pregancy, I wish I would have enjoyed it more. I was such a bundle of nerves the whole time, I didn't stop to actually experience the joy of my baby's life inside of me. Coulda, shoulda, woulda, I know, but if I could go back, I would enjoy every single minute of it, damn straight I would. I can only hope that there will be next time, so here's to hoping!!!

And the results are in folks........

Our findings represent a normal male karyotype. No numerical or structural chromosomal abnormality was found.
WTF? Why did my baby die then? When I got the call today, I immediately got nervous & thought, O.K., lay it on me. "Mrs. S. nothing was wrong with the baby, it was a perfectly normal male". Then what happened? The answer is they don't know. I know I should be glad that nothing was wrong for the sake of future pregnancies, but it would make it much easier to swallow. I got them to fax me a copy of the report to bring to the appointment with the RE on the 23rd. I am really looking forward to that meeting. I feel like then at least I will have something set for when we will begin the FET & I can have that to look forward to. It seems like such a joke right now to have to use condoms for a few months, in case we get pregnant you know...Because it is a possibility according to Dr. OB, OMG, it kills me.
Our two Best couple friends came over on Saturday night for a Birthday Party for one of the Husband's. We had an Italian theme, I made Spaghetti Bolognese, Prosciutto with melon, salad & bread. We had plenty of wine & champagne, it was really fun. Both of those couples now have kids & it's hard, because you can't be mad at them for talking about baby stuff all the time, but whenever they do, my Husband & I just sit there & look stupid. Then when they realize they are talking about baby stuff too much, it gets really awkward & everyone just stares at us. They asked to see Christian's footprints though & that was nice. It's good to know they acknowledge him & that they care.
Now for something positive, my trip to Atlanta was a total blast. We sat in the sun everyday, had cocktail hour around 3:00, went to the outlet malls, had dinner out, made tasty dinners, got foot massages, drank plenty of wine, it was so much fun! I love my Best Friend, she is the greatest, I miss her already! :(
Well, the big move is in 2 weeks, I can't believe it is coming up so fast! We are in the midst of packing & getting stuff ready, I forgot how much it sucks to move! Oh well, it will definitely be worth it in the end.

Leaving on a jet plane!!

This is the week that I leave for Atlanta to visit my Best Friend, Steph. I usually get there about twice a year & this year has flown by so quick with no visit yet! This picture was taken at my Wedding in Barbados, 2002, aren't we cute? I am the blonde, obviously! :) I am looking forward to seeing her & relaxing, I think it might be just what I need. We are going to drink loads of wine, make tasty dinners, play cards, frequent some wine bars, drink more wine & then some more wine! Get the picture? :) I'll post a few pictures when I get back into town.

So, Church was a disaster scene yesterday. We were standing there talking with our Best Friends who just had their baby & another couple comes up & starts talking about how awesome it is they had their baby & how blessed they are & OMG isn't it just a miracle, blah, blah, blah. The Husband got really uncomfortable & kept trying to change the subject, but this guy would just not let it go. He even knows our situation. Some people are so clueless it kills me. Everyone googled over the baby & showed off their babies, I wanted to stab myself...seriously. What I really wanted to say was, "Jeez people, I would have brought my baby, but he's dead, sorry". God, am I a sicko or what? We can tell that our friends are really making an effort to still try & do things with us even though they are all really busy with their kids & new babies, etc., so that's certainly nice & I appreciate it. We've gotten several offers for people to bring us meals & things. I also haven't been sleeping the best lately, I seem to wake up around 3:00 or so & stay awake until about 6:00, it sucks. I keep waking up in a cold sweat & having dreams about dead babies who are not mine.

In other news, we found a house (finally one we could agree on) & we close on July 20th. I am super psyched for that & it has helped to keep my mind occupied. We started to pack up some of our stuff this weekend & are getting rid of stuff as well. I was going to post some pictures, but it's not on the MLS anymore, so it will have to wait until we move in. There is a big three season porch on the back with a hot tub & will be perfect for those Minnesota winters! We are going to put a bar in there as well, so we can indulge while soaking. :)

I talked to my Husband a little about adoption last night. I just wanted to get a feel for what his thoughts were on that. He is up for it, but we are not done trying for our own yet! :)

My Mom had a 50th Birthday Party for my Dad this weekend & it was a blast. It was so nice to be out & about again, having a glass (or three) of wine & socializing. All of their friends were very supportive of us & seemed to be able to talk about the loss of our baby & give their condolences without feeling uncomfortable, that was really refreshing. They didn't avoid or tell stories of their neighbors Best Friend's sister who finally had a baby when she started to adopt, or any of that crap. It was just to the point, sorry for your loss, that just plain blows is there anything we can do for you? Amen, thank you.

One final note, my good friend, Julie, is going to be making me a braclet. It is going to have stones that represent different things like, the circle of life, love, hope, family etc. Then for the clasp it will have dangling initials, CJS, & a heart with little footprints. I am psyched for this, it is so nice of her to do that for me & I will always have something on me to remember him by. I don't want him to be forgotten. Not that I can't be better & move on, but he was mine, albeit for a brief time, but all the same he was mine & I never want to forget that.

As always, thanks for the tremendous outporing of support, it helps & for that I am grateful.

When the going gets tough...

My follow up appointment with my Dr. went well today. I was nervous on my way over that I was going to cry inappropriately or something, but in the end all was good. He said that the report is not back yet on the baby & he asked if I had set something up with our RE yet, I said it was set for the end of July. He said to call back in about 2 weeks if we had not heard anything on that, so that we can get the info to her by the meeting. He said the preliminary surgical pathology report came back fine, the placenta was fine, the umbilical cord was fine, so he said now we just wait for the other report. He did say that it's possible nothing was wrong with the baby. He said he knew that would be hard to accept considering how long it took to get pregnant, but not to be discouraged by that. He also said to be really careful with getting pregnant right now. He laughed knowing that it took us four years to get this far & that was with ART, but he said I should be really fertile right now & they want to make sure I wait at least 3 months, if not longer. My uterus is back to normal size, no irregular bleeding & all is looking good so far for recovery. I am thankful for that & am hopeful for the future. It was hard to read the surgical report he gave me for the RE. It said all kinds of stuff under products of conception, upper extrematies noted, 5 digits, normal skull, foot length, etc. Ugh, that's my baby, I wish things would have worked out differently for us to have had the baby normally & to have held him for as long as possible, but not much I can do at this point.
This e-mail was sent to us while we were in the hospital from someone who had been through this before. I found it to be of much comfort & very fitting to share with you all:

Deut. 29:29 (there are things we cannot understand)
John 10:10!!! (To know God's unchanging character is SO important-this is not His doing! He's a LIFE giver!)
Phil 4:8 (You will need this one a LOT)
Psalms is such a healing book. My Husband would read these to me as I was waiting to deliver and after and I literally felt like LIFE was going into me...I was desperate for hope and the Lord ministered to me in a very intimate way using the Word.
Psalms 3:3-4, 6, 40, 42, 43, 46, 51:8-13 ("broken bones" here is referring to crushing conviction), 62:1-8, 63, 71, 73:23-28, 77, 119:12-end, 23!, 61:1-4, 91:4, 57:3 & 10, 34:18 &19
Eph 3:14-20
John 14:18
My heart is with you dear heart. And I am praying for you, for the strength of God to rise up within you, for a comfort that is tangible and unexplainable to be around you, for you to feel the love of God through this terrible storm. I will testify that during this very very painful storm of my life, the Word was my LIFE and I breathed it to survive. The Lord says the Word holds supernatural power, and to be read aloud actually does something in the Spirit realm we cannot understand but is very powerful. Renew your mind on the Truth of the Word and let it's healing balm cover you. I had faith-filled music going through the whole process and of course after. The enemy would love nothing more than to shipwreck your faith and cause you to doubt the Word and the Lord through this tragedy. FIGHT for your faith and settle it with God that He is NOT to blame, that although you don't understand and you are hurting so very badly, you will put your trust in Him. He IS faithful...as in that is WHO He is. FAITHFUL. He cannot change and is always the same. He ADORES you and hurts with you. We do not understand such things but trust that our precious little ones are in the hands of a loving Father, and what healing it brings to know that we will meet them and love on them in Heaven. I tried to shift my thoughts there when the pain felt so unbearable. Back to Phil 4:8!
I described coming through this as feeling like I was in the most frightening violent storm, and yet feeling somehow that I was wrapped up in this warm blanket. Still had to go through it but I felt the prayers and the Word covering me with undefinable warmth. I took such hope from the so many I was to find that had lived through the same...seeing that they survived and I will too. You will survive this heartbreak, even if at times you wish you wouldn't. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! He will NEVER leave you or forsake you. Be strengthened. Be comforted. Let the Lord love you through. He WILL restore you. He is your Healer, your Comforter, and the Lifter of your heart.

Things are starting to get better, I feel better, life is a little better, so I know I will be fine. Congrats to all the BFP's out there, you go girls, & good luck to all who are still waiting... hang in there, you WILL get there!!

I've seen better days...

Today I am pissed. I'm pissed that my baby died, I'm pissed that I've been infertile for the last four years, I'm pissed that the 20 year old at Target was registering for her baby items while I was shopping for another friend's baby gift yet again, while I could hear her saying, "Dude, we should totally get this wipe warmer". God help me, I am so mad that there is no way I can get what I want by working hard for it, or pursing it with fervor, it is something I can't control & it makes me so mad. Why am I having such bad luck? I don't know, but it's frustrating. I know things could be worse, but right now this feels pretty bad. I don't know why I am being tortured to be the only one of all our friends unable to have children. I'm tired of being happy for my friends, I want to experience their joy & not my heartbreak & disappointment. I feel bad for wanting them to feel for one hour the pain I feel all the time. I want them to know how much it hurts.
I want to enjoy life again, I want to be happy & not thinking about dead babies & feeling sorry for myself. Some of our friends say at least we can afford to do IVF. Well, you know what? That's our hard earned money & I would give up all of the financial luxuries we have for a baby. Money doesn't bring happiness. Sure, it makes life easier, but it does not make you happy. if I could only have a baby, I would be willing to sacrifice so much for it.
I went to visit our best friend's last night that just had their baby last week. She was so cute, I could have held her all night. I'm sure our friends are scared of our vunerability right now. They probably want to lock all the doors to ensure that we don't run off with their baby. :) My friend said, "would you want to go through that again"? I wanted to say, "wouldn't you do anything for this new baby girl you have"? Why would my situation be any different. It is just a harder road, but one that I am willing to travel if it means a baby in my future.
Today is just a bad day, I am looking forward to the future & brighter days...Things will get better, I know they will & I will be fine.

I have my follow up check-up for the D&E with my Dr. next week & then we have our consultation with RE the last week in July. I hope we get some answers & that things are looking good for the FET cycle.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Baby Blues.....

This post is probably just going to be a big jumble, but here goes anyway...This is a much harder road than I thought it was going to be. Not that I thought it was going to be easy, but there is a much greater sadness than I anticipated. How can you love something so much that you've never even seen? I'm not sure of that answer to that, but I know that I feel a deep, deep loss & it's scary. I want our baby back, I want to be setting up the nursery & reading baby books, not thinking about having to do IVF again.
Our best friend's had their baby today, it was a girl & I am so very happy for them, but also disappointed for myself. I haven't even called them yet, because I don't know if I can get through the phone call without crying & I certainly don't want to put a damper on their special day. They came to visit me in the Hospital three times while I was there & I feel like a horrible friend to not go visit them today, but I just can't go there. I will have to call them at some point & go seem them, but it's going to be difficult.
My Husband has been nothing but loving & supportive to me & so have all of our friends & family, but I still feel depressed. I'm sure it will just take time, or at least I hope so. We called our RE today to give her the news & scheduled a consultation for the end of July, as we should have the results of the genetic testing back by then. Then it's on to a FET Transfer, but not until we take a vacation & relax for the whole summer. I am researching vacations to Aruba right now, my Husband said we could go anywhere I want & that's where I want to go. I'm still off from work, my OB wrote me a note to be off until I see him in two weeks, but I will likely go back before that. I don't think I can sit home for that long. We also got a card from the nursing staff today, they are so sweet. I feel lucky to have had them care for me during that difficult time.
On a positive note, we sold our townhouse already. Can you believe it? We sold in a record three weeks. Our realtor is setting up a bunch of showings for this week, so we can get going. We lost the other house, because they got an offer where the people could move in, in two weeks & we hadn't sold our house by then, so couldn't compete. At least something is going right!! :) Also, I am going to visit my best friend, Steph, in Atlanta in three weeks, so looking forward to that, I miss her.

My Husband is worried that my faith is wavering & I must admit it is, but he had me read this today & I felt a little better:

Peter 1:6,7 So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

Christian James S.

Well, things didn't go as planned again. I got to the Hospital at 7:30am on Wednesday, they checked me in & started giving me suppositories to dilate my cervix, but by the next morning I still hadn't opened up at all. They kept me on the same suppositories as the Dr. said he had never seen anyone not react to them. Needless to say the suppositories make you feel like you have the flu, vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, fever & the chills. I started cramping in the afternoon on Thursday & they finally gave me an epidural to try & relax my uterus & because my back was spasming so badly. This helped greatly with the pain, but weird not to be able to feel your bottom half at all. Finally by Friday afternoon they decided to switch medicines & also use Laminaria (which are these thin sticks made from seaweed that expand once they are inserted near the cervix, to help it open up). These were able to get me dilated to a 1, but I needed to get to at least a 4 or 5 to deliver the baby. By this time I was getting stir crazy & just wanted this to be over with, it's bad enough I had to lose my baby, now I have to lay in a Hospital bed immobile for 5 days. There was a different on call Dr. everyday & they all kept calling in to see if I had delivered yet, but to their surprise I hadn't. Then on Saturday afternoon they said they would have to do a D&E on Sunday if nothing had happened yet, even though there could be complications with that due to the size of the baby. No surprise, nothing happened, so they proceeded with the D&E on Sunday morning. This meant that we wouldn't be able to hold or see our baby, maybe not even get the footprints we wanted. The nurses & Dr.'s said they would do the best they could to try & do that for us. The Dr. is 99% sure our baby was a boy & we were able to at least get the nurse to get us some footprints on some scrapbook paper my Mom brought to the Hospital. I will post this once I get back to work & can get it scanned. The Dr.'s said the proceedure couldn't have gone better & they don't believe there will be any damage to my uterus. We named our baby, Christian James, & even though we didn't get to see him, hold him or tell him how much we love him, he is so very beautiful & precious to us & I will always have my memory of him how I imagine him to be...nothing short of awesome & amazing in my eyes. The nurses were wonderful & made us a little blanket & booties & gave us a little Hospital bracelet. It's really hard to look at that stuff right now, but I'm glad that I have it for when I am ready.
I'm not really sure why this happened, but I am trying to hang on & believe that God has a plan for me & will honor me someday by giving me the desires of my heart.

Thanks again for your support & prayers, will not get through this without you.

18 weeks, bye my sweet baby....

We found out today that the baby has passed, I will give more details later. We have to be at the Hospital tomorrow at 7:30am, I will be induced & deliver the baby.

Thank you so much for all of your support & prayers, it means a great deal to me.

Jen

p.s. Any additional prayers are appreciated as well, tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Hurting...

My Husband & I met with my Nurse Practitioner today. She is a wonderful, kind woman & cried right along with both of us. It made me feel so much better to talk with her & she let me know what I could expect with everything. She said normally with pregnancies that have low fluid the baby doesn't go much past 25 weeks or so, so she said I can come in & hear the heart tones as much as I like, so we know if the baby is still with us. I decided that once a week will be my comfort level & we can go from there. She said once the baby passes they will induce me & I will deliver the baby. She said they can do a D&C, but we wouldn't be able to see the baby & she said I think you should hold your baby & let him/her know how much you love them. She said we will be able to hold the baby as long as we like & we can make arrangements before of after for her/him. She thinks it's a girl & so did the Perinatal Specialist, so hopefully we will be able to find out for sure when we go back for our follow up U/S in two weeks. We got to hear the heartbeat today (152) & it was so bittersweet. I can't believe that I finally made it to this point & now I am going to lose my so longed for baby. It's going to be difficult going through the upcoming weeks, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I think the reality of everything finally hit home with my Husband today, he was very emotional at the appointment & it's hard to see him hurting like that. I know that we will get through this & that someday we will get our baby to bring home. I keep praying to God that I can't take much more, so can this please be it for a while. Hopefully, he is listening.
More later.........

That dark cloud will not stop following me....

16 weeks, 2 days--
Today's visit with the Perinatal Specialist did not go well. The baby is measuring on track, heart rate 149, but the fluid has gone down even more. She said if she wanted to do an amnio she wouldn't even be able to, because there wouldn't be enough to even test. The baby also might have a hole in it's heart, there is so little fluid though, it's hard for them to see things clearly. She said she is concerned about this being related to some syndrome, which they can't pinpoint yet. She said she is 99% sure that this pregnancy will not end well. She said at this point it's up to us if we want to terminate due to the fatal problems, but I told her our stance on abortion, no matter what the situation is firm. I would rather have God take my baby, than have to make that decision for myself. That is only my personal feeling. She said she is fine with that, it's our decision. She will check us again in two weeks & maybe by some miracle of God the fluid will have gotten better, but it's doubtful. I asked her if the baby would be in any pain & she said absolutely not, when/if the baby passes it will be peaceful & the baby will be with it's Mom. She was very nice & compassionate, but honest, which I appreciate. She said this was just shitty luck & nothing I could have done, or would do, would change the outcome. She said when things go south they can do an autopsy & see if this would be a reoccurring problem & then they could possibly test the 13 remaining embryos.
Sucky way to start the weekend, but I am trying to be thankful for the things I do have in my life & glad that I had/will have this time with my baby.

Any prayers would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks my friends.

Beautiful Day--15 weeks, 1day!

Today is simply beautiful here in MN, sunny & 86 degrees, yahoo!!! All the grass is green now, the trees are full & all the flowers are blooming, I love this time of year. I planted my basil & dill in their pots, got my flowers out on the deck & life is good right now. The townhouse was put on the market Monday & we had a showing last night, one tonight & we have an open house on Saturday. We have a purchase agreement on a new house contingent upon selling ours, & we love it, so hoping our house sells!!
We got a letter in the mail with the results from the Perinatal Clinic, Down Syndrome is 1:10,000, & the Trisomy's are 1:9,450. Glad to get that news! Now if we can just get good news about the amniotic fluid when we go back for our U/S next Friday, I will finally be able to relax!! :) I am hoping & praying that things are looking up.
I booked a ticket to visit my best friend in Atlanta, GA for the end of June. I am so excited!!! We always have the best time whenever I visit. Normally we drink ourselves into a coma, so will have to find something else to do this time!! :) Will shop at the Outlet Malls, relax with books outside, & cook fabulous meals!! I can't wait.
In other news, My Husband bought a motorcycle two weeks ago. He got one of those Harley Sportster something or others. He is in love! He will sometimes just go into the garage start it, & rev it up just to listen to it, God help us........He's a Freak, but I love him!! :)

Hang in there little bean!!

Sorry I've been in hiding lately, but I'm back!! :)
We had our visit at the Perinatal Clinic yesterday. The baby is measuring right on track at 13 1/2 weeks & the nasal bone looked normal as well as the neck thickness. They are concerned about the amount of amniotic fluid in the sac, so they want me to come back in 3 weeks to check on the babies kidneys & to see if the placenta has kicked in & produced more fluid. The Dr. said we will be optimistic that it will look better next time. My Husband said, "Amen, sister". The baby was moving all over the place & he/she looks all squished up in there & was crossing his/her legs. I will try to post the U/S pictures, but when I scanned them yesterday they didn't come out very well. We could also see the baby swallowing fluid & sucking it's thumb, it was really neat.
We had another check-up today with the OB & he listened to the heartbeat (152) & measured my pelvic area. He said due to my small size nothing that weighs more than 7 pounds at most, is getting out of there. He said we will deal with that when the time comes. I passed all of my blood tests with flying colors & my urine was clear as well. He asked if we wanted to do the spina bifida testing at 16 weeks & we opted to not do that. The Dr. agreed & said we have been through enough already, it would just be one more thing to worry about & there's nothing they can do about it anyway. So, we go back in 3 weeks to the Perinatal Clinic & a couple days after that another check-up with the OB's office.
I had to admit that I am still nervous about the pregnancy, I need to stop "Googling" my brains out & just relax. I really hope things look good when we go back in three weeks. Yikes!! :)

Other than that nothing else too exciting to report. Our Realtor is coming over tonight to talk about how much we should list our townhouse for & we are going to get it on the market & start looking for a single family home. I'm excited, but nervous. I don't like change very much, so it's always interesting when we do something major like this. We shall see!!

The Sweetest Sound!

I had my appointment with the Nurse Practitioner at my OB Clinic today. She went through all the pregnancy things with me & then said she would try to hear the heartbeat with the Fetal Doppler. She said if for some reason she couldn't hear it, she would do an U/S to check on things. Good news, we heard the heartbeat right away, today it was around 152, she said that is perfect. She said the chance of miscarriage drops 80% once they can hear the heartbeat with Doppler. I told her about Dr. L's concerns, so they are going to send me to the Perinatal Clinic in 2-3 weeks for testing, she said someone should get in touch with me today to set that up. She said right now as far as they are concerned, they are glad the baby has a good heartbeat & that it is growing according to schedule. I have another appointment set up with the OB for 2 weeks. So, 11 weeks & counting now....Hopefully, I can keep on counting!! :) My God, what an ordeal!! I am thankful for getting this far, Yipee!!

Psycho Alert....Warning!

OMG, is 183 really high for baby's heart rate? Someone help me before I Google myself blind. Maybe the U/S Tech made a mistake?

RE Withdrawal

I had my first U/S at my OB Clinic today. The baby is now measuring 9 weeks, 5 days, so just two days behind where it should be. The heart rate was 183. The sac was only measuring at 7 weeks & something. The Dr. wasn't there for the U/S, so I asked the technician about the sac & she didn't seem to think anything of it. She thought it was my first U/S since learning I was pregnant, so I had to explain everything to her. I told her about the IVF & the vanishing twin & she just said, "Hmmmm, I see". I wanted to jump up & shout, give me that wand, I'll show you how it's done. OMG, I miss my RE already, I want to go back there, help me!! Don't they know that I am a special needs infertile, for the love of God? Plus, this pregnancy has been touch & go from the beginning. How am I going to make without the loving, hand holding of my Reproductive Clinic? This is going to be interesting. I have an appointment with my Nurse Practitioner next Thursday to go over all the paperwork & everything. Yikes, I'm scared..............I'm scared to hope that this might actually work, I've been preparing myself for the worst all along, now I don't know what to think. Oh God, please let this be O.K.

Baby's getting his groove on-9weeks, 2 days.

Well, baby is still growing & heart is still beating strong. The other one has passed on & is vanishing, she said not to be surprised if I experience some spotting this weekend, week. We got to see baby moving around & it now has visible arms & legs. The U/S tech was measuring the baby & the Dr. said, "let's go back, I want to see more dancing baby". She said she is still concerned about the size of the sac & this could be indicative of a problem with the baby, but it is too early to tell yet. She said to have the OB give her a call next week after he does the U/S to see what he says. She said I could still miscarry, but anything could happen at this point. If I make it the OB will have the prenatal testing done & we will go from there. She said she knows that it is cruel & unusual to keep us in limbo like this all the time, but there is nothing they can tell for a few more weeks. She explained the whole miscarriage process to me & said not to be startled if I do miscarry & to know that it will look like it does on the U/S. She also said to keep some of the tissue if I can, so that they can test it, if that were to happen. So, in limbo again, but it was exciting to see the little guy again & that the heart was beating so strong still. She said to say on the PIO shots until next Wednesday, then stop.
Yikes, hang on for this. Thanks for being there for me!

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Mrs. Nurse says.............

HCG is 42,145, progesterone is on track. She didn't have much else to say, she said Dr. L will consult with me tomorrow at the U/S. OMG, please let me have an answer tomorrow one way or the other, I have bitten all my nails off this week, my fingers need reprieve......

Note to self....

Do not try to make friendly with the Clinic Phlebotomist. Transcript from today's blood draw:

Me: "You look tan, did you go on vacation"?
Woman holding needle: "No".
Me: "Are you going on vacation"?
Woman holding needle: "Yes".
Me: "Where are you going, someplace warm"?
Woman holding needle: "Mexico".
Me: "Wow, that sounds awesome, I hope you have a wonderful time"!
Woman holding needle: "Yes".
Me: "Enjoy yourself"!
Woman holding needle: "You are done, thank you".

Wow, that was the most exciting conversation I've had in a long time. Apparently women with needles in hand aren't the best conversationalists, or maybe they are told not to fraternize with the enemy.
It's still rainy here today, boo-hoo. Here's to hoping April showers bring May flowers!!

Update to Rainy days that never end!!

CRM just called, they can get me in with Dr. L Friday morning at 11:15am. Thank you Jesus, can I get an Amen...........

Rainy days that never end..

Today did not start out well. I woke up at 4:00am this morning in a sweaty panic & could not get back to sleep. I think my pregnancy symptoms are now gone, which caused me to freak, even though I knew it was most likely inevitable. I called CRM this morning to see if Dr. L could get me in sometime this week for an U/S, hmmm about as likely as the sky parting & God dropping in to hand deliver my very own baby. She is apparently overbooked from being on vacation last week & can't my OB do it? No, he's out of town this week & can't see me until next Thursday. "Doesn't he have a partner"?, says Mrs. Nurse. I'm not sure, but last time I saw him the very words out of his mouth were, "they are the experts, I'm not sure what I will be able to tell you". Hmmm, reassuring isn't it? I am a very non-confrontational person, but I can't really be with this whole IVF thing. So, in the end they are doing a blood draw tomorrow to check my progesterone & HCG level, then trying to squeeze me in on Friday for an U/S. Which will probably be equivalent to me trying to squeeze a turd out of my ass lately. I am glad I did not take no for an answer, I refuse to wait until next Thursday to find out if I have miscarried. I have been having cramping, but no spotting or bleeding. This whole phone call was choked out to the nurse in between hysterical sobbing, I'm sure they think I am some kind of freak. I need an answer soon, I can't take this limbo much longer, my back hurts. :)
When it rains, it pours. Received the following e-mail this week from our last close couple friends who are not pregnant:

I am sorry I haven't replied until now. I kept meaning to sign on this weekend to see if I had a message from you but the days just got away from me. I am happy to hear that you are sounding a bit more hopeful. I really pray that things go well and that you can get some good news soon (like the placenta has grown). I am glad that they are doing the u/s for you so that you know what is happening. Another reason it has taken me a bit to reply is that I have been trying to figure out how to tell you that we are expecting too. I will be 10 weeks tomorrow so I am just about a week ahead of you. I have been trying to figure out a way to tell you so you wouldn't cry... but then this morning I realized that really that just might not be possible. I know how hard it was for me to hear people were pregnant over the last year.. and was hoping to try to find a magic way to spare you that. But really I don't think there is one... which sucks. Don't get me wrong, I know that you will be (are) thrilled for us... but also know that you can be happy for someone else while still sad. Well, I have you guys in my prayers... and will continue to pray for your little ones, not to mention you and R.

I am really happy for her as she has had two miscarriages in the last year, so for them this is awesome news! I started bawling & thought to myself, what is wrong with me? I should be totally happy for her & I need to seriously get some help. My God. I think it's just hard because we were the first to start trying & everyone else seems to have passed us right up & some have had two in the time we have been trying. I wrote her back to say Congratulations & thank you for telling me via e-mail & for being so compassionate about it. That was very considerate of her.

My friend & I got together last night to get all the planning under way for T's shower that I am hosting in April. We have a ton of great ideas & should be fun. My friend said bad timing with all that's going on with me, but we will just indulge in some wine afterwards if things have indeed gone south. :) One of my girlfriends is hosting a big Scrap booking Party this weekend, but it will be filled with pregnant ladies & newborn babies. No thanks, I'd rather take a hot poker to the eye.
I am having dinner tomorrow night with some good girlfriends, should be fun & I am looking forward to it. I need to start having some fun again, screw this depression stuff! I'm excited summer is almost here & some warm, sunny weather will do me good.

I'll keep you posted on the news. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I got bad news & was whisked away by my Husband, to a warm beachy destination where I will be drinking vodka/orange juice into the wee hours of the night. Agggh, a girl can dream, can't she? Actually, I am half serious... :)

And the plot thickens.....

Low & behold, CRM called today & wanted to know if I was coming in for my 12:15 U/S? Whaat, what? Apparently an appointment was made, but I didn't know it? Anyway, cruised over there & met with the Dr. my OB spoke with last Friday. They did the U/S & the bigger embryo's heartbeat is still going like crazy & it has shown development since Friday. The smaller one still has a heartbeat, but very faint. The Dr. said we have to just keep trucking along as if this pregnancy will work out. He said to keep our fingers crossed. They sent me off with new pictures & instructions to bring to my OB. Talked to my OB this afternoon & will meet with a nurse next week to go over everything & have an U/S with him in two weeks. Not getting my hopes up, but this whole situation has been crazy!! So, I should be 8 weeks today, the bigger embryo is measuring 7 weeks, 4 days & the smaller one is measuring 6 weeks, 1 day.
The Dr. I met with today assured me that this was not indicative of future problems for other cycles & that this one is not over yet, so everything crossed that this will work out.

So there you have it.

Pity Party, want to come??

Well, I have to say that I am feeling much better today than I was this weekend. I'm trying to look at the positive aspects of this situation. I am glad that I can actually get pregnant, that was always a fear of mine, so I am very grateful for that. Now, I just hope if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, it will stick & a healthy baby or babies will be the end result. My Husband & my Mom are trying to still hold out hope for this pregnancy, but it is hard for me to let myself do that. I have been slapped in the face with disappointment more than once during this wait. My Mom called today to see how her babies were doing, she said she is already attached to them more than she thought she would ever be. She said she had to wait this long & now this, she doesn't want to lose them. She said that God can work miracles & she has been praying fervently. I know miracles do happen, I just don't have much hope right now.
I called the CRM on Monday to make that appointment with the Clinic owner. The scheduler said she would have to talk to him & call me back as he is booked solid. One of the nurses called me later & when I answered she must have been talking with some co-workers & was laughing so hard she couldn't talk when I answered. I don't know about you, but that really rubbed me the wrong way. I kind of thought it was inappropriate for her to be acting that way when I am dealing with this situation, but what do I know. She said to increase my PIO to 1 1/2, instead of 1. I asked about the U/S & she said she would have to call me back, she wasn't aware of an U/S. WTF? Do they even know what is going on? My Husband called over there & spoke with a really nice Nurse. He asked her why we need to up meds if this is not a viable pregnancy. She said that they still need to treat it like it is viable until there are no heartbeats. The Dr. that was going to see me this week doesn't have any openings until late Friday, so she said we might as well wait until Dr. L gets back from vacation. They put me on the wait list for her next week for an U/S & I guess we will go from there. I feel like she's pushing me to my OB, he's pushing me back to her & I just want this to be over with, so I can emotionally & mentally heal from this. However, I am not O.K. with doing a D&C if there are still heartbeats, so I will remain in limbo until something happens.
I am looking forward to taking 2 months off after this, so I can get back to my old self. I want be able to relax, have drinks with my girlfriends, laugh out loud again & stop having everyone look at me with pity. Most people have been telling us that God has a plan for us & we just don't know what that is yet. They say He knows what is best for us. My question is, why would he allow practically everyone of my friends to pregnant & not me? I just don't get it. Every time we get together with friends I have to act happy for everyone & pretend that I am not dying inside. They all talk about their pregnancies & what new gadget is a must have, how long does little Jr. nap, etc. Please, please kill me now. When we were at Church on Sunday one of my friends asked me how things were going & I gave her the lowdown. She started crying, so I started crying & it was a big messy scene. Then, out of the blue another couple comes over with their 2 week old showing everyone how cute she is, while the other girl & I are still in the midst of crying. Are some people totally oblivious, or what? You can't blame them for being proud & happy, but throw me a frickin' bone here. Have some consideration for God's sake.
OMG, enough feeling sorry for myself already. I need to go to my happy place! :) I just seriously need to focus on all the good in my life. I also know plenty of awesome infertile women out there who have had to endure far more than I ever have, so I will shut up now.

I could really use a nice warm, sunny day, a fun bar with a patio & a fat martini!!

Depressing Update

Sorry for the late post, but yesterday was not a good day. We had the U/S & both of the hearts are now beating. The one embryo that had a heartbeat last week was beating really good yesterday, but the sac is too small for the baby. It is 1/3 of the size it should be & looks all cramped up in there. The embryo grew over the week & there was some fetal development, but the Dr. said that there is probably a genetic defect with it, that's why the late development & small sac. The one that's heart is now beating is very slow & way behind the other one. She said it already looked like it was starting to pull away from the placenta. She said that's natures way of taking care of an abnormal embryo. The Dr. was really quiet yesterday & just said she's really sorry, but she would have to refer me to my OB now to get another medical opinion.
Was able to get in to my OB yesterday afternoon (he's the one who did my laparatomy last summer). He pretty much agreed with her & said that with most IVF pregnancies they would prefer to do a D&C, because with all the drugs they give you to make your lining thicker there is more bleeding & severe cramping than with a normal miscarriage. He wanted to consult with my Dr. at CRM again before making any decisions, so he said he would call me later. He called later & my Dr. had already left for vacation (good timing, hey), so he talked to the owner of CRM & he reviewed all the notes & films. He said he thinks it's premature at this time to make any decisions, since the embryo in the small sac has a very strong heartbeat still. I am supposed to call Monday morning & make an appointment with the owner to have an U/S done next Wed or Thurs. This totally blows, I am pretty depressed right now. I know it probably isn't something to worry about now, but I hope those 13 embryos we froze are good. I don't think I could deal with this again.
I am having that baby shower for my good friend in 3 weeks, so this couldn't be worse timing. I had to get all the invites out yesterday & all I can do is cry. I know this will pass like everything does, but right now it seems just awful. It's bad enough to have to deal with 4 years of infertility, now this. I have the best luck in the world.

I'll keep you posted on the U/S next week.

Am I still pregnant?

OMG, all this wait & see mumbo jumbo is simply agonizing. I was doing O.K. up until now, I just have to keep thinking a day & a half, that's it, hang in there. Then I thought, what if they still can't give me any answers on Friday? OMG, kill me now. O.K., that was a little dramatic, but seriously this is torture. I just keep praying & hoping that the little heartbeat keeps going & that maybe by some miracle it can pull through & make it. Oh God, please let this be it. At least if I finally get an answer I can stop squeezing my breasts every five minutes to make sure they are still sore.
We were out running errands on Sunday & my Husband turned to me & said, "We should go on another vacation this year". What? Did he just say what I thought he said? Yes, there is a God! I tried to act cool & said, sounds good, if you want to. Yes, yes, yes!!!! We can't go to Tahiti as originally planned because of all the IVF costs, but we can sure as Hell go to Mexico or Punta Cana again. I am psyched, if you know me at all you know I am a Beach Freak!! My Husband & I got married in Barbados on the beach with 13 of our closest friends & family...it was simply amazing. We can't wait to get back there again someday! I've got to get that trip booked soon, before my Husband changes his mind. :)
It was my Birthday last weekend & I am a major book nut, so my Husband let me pick out some books I wanted at Barnes & Noble. I got a couple new cookbooks & of course some Chic Lit as well. I have made a couple dishes out of "Asian Noodles" already & they were tasty. I love spice, but my Husband doesn't do so well with it. He usually gets a fiery butt the next day & has to e-mail to tell me all about it, but it's all good. We are still looking into Le Cordon Bleu for me if the whole baby thing never pans out (but, it will), that is our back up plan! :)

Adios Amigos!!

Put your feet in, fasten your lap belt & hang on!

Today's U/S showed that both of the embryos I had transferred took. We got to see both of them & we saw the heartbeat on one of them. Dr. L said that they are behind in development right now, that I should be 6 weeks 1 day pregnant, but it's not showing like that on the U/S. She said we should still remain neutral until we get this figured out. We have another U/S scheduled for next Friday at 11:45am. I will probably get my blood results sometime tomorrow from today's blood draw. She said to try to remain optimistic, but we just don't know much at this point & she doesn't like the looks of things.
The good news is she said our embryos that we froze were Gold Medal Quality (her words), & we now know that my uterus knows what to do. :) She said that hopefully in about 2 weeks or so we should know for sure what the outcome of this is going to be. Lordy, lordy what did I sign up for? So, keeping on with the PIO shots & Estrogen Patches, fun, fun, fun!!

Hang on, Sisters!!

2 More Days...

Well, Sunday was the dreaded Baby Dedication at Church. I had to prepare myself all morning by chanting silently to myself, don't cry, you are fine, don't cry, oh shit, don't cry, holy balls, don't cry....This technique as weird as it might seem actually worked. I did not die of a shot through the heart (thanks Bon Jovi), nobody had to break out the defibrillator & I made it through the Dedication without embarrassing either my Husband or myself by leaving church looking like Tammy Faye Baker. Whew, that was a close call. It was nice to see my friends so happy & I really am honestly happy for them, I just want to be happy for myself as well some day.
I have been trying hard not to think too much about Thursday's U/S. I really, really, really want this to be it, but I am also thankful that we had 13 embryos to freeze. I know lots of people have to go through IVF multiple times before they are successful, so I will march on if it's bad news on Thursday. It's a little difficult to have a positive attitude, because I also want to protect myself if it's bad news. Jeez, who ever thought getting preggo would be this hard? I should just get fired from my job, start smoking crack & then maybe I would finally get pregnant. My Husband has a half brother who was in jail for 6 years & just got out last summer. He has two children from two different mothers & he told us the same thing. "Listen bro, just quit your job, start stealing some stuff, take some drugs & most likely Jen will get knocked up". My Husband's other brother also has two kids from two different women, one was a one night stand, can you believe it? Isn't that just awesome??
My Best Friend has had several miscarriages & is now finally moving on to adoption. It makes me so pissed off when I think about it, because she would make the most amazing Mom. She has been through so much & I wish I could take her pain away. I know that once they get their baby, she is going to be so happy & she deserves to be. Her dog just had 11 puppies the other day & she said, "Dude, even my dog is pregnant & having babies".

Let this be a viable pregnancy, let this be a viable pregnancy, please God, let this work!! AMEN!

The Blizzard & other ramblings...

Well, we got a whopping ass-load of snow yesterday, my friends. It was not pretty, let me just say that. I don't know why I even came to work today, it's like a barren wasteland around this place. Good thing I get off at Noon on Fridays, or I'd probably be here Googling low HCG numbers until I go blind. I am only going to say this once today, how in the Hell do they expect me to wait until next Thursday for my U/S? Is there something in there, or isn't there? Help a sister out, seriously!!
Anyone watch "American Idol" last night? Not quite sure what went wrong there. Who in God's name decided it would be a good idea to keep Sanjaya & Antonella around?? Let's keep it real, the only reason Antonella is still in it is the Skank factor. Sorry for anyone who likes her, but I just state the facts here. I'm afraid to report that even I can sing better than her after downing a bottle of wine & swallowing 2-3 shots of Patron. I still find the show quite entertaining nevertheless.
One of our best couple friends are having their son dedicated at Church on Sunday. We are staying for it, but I was already whining to my Husband yesterday about how many babies are going to be there. He was right though, we will want them to come when we have a child someday, right? Right? I mean the part about the child someday. Maybe I can just stand in the back with my Ipod on & a towel over my head or something. Just kidding, I will be supportive, even though a large dagger will be shooting through my heart & killing me slowly.

Here's to staying positive until next Thursday!! :)

Can I Get Off This Ride??

Dr. L called with todays results, 554, is the magic number folks. She said she would like to see the number over 1,000 by this point, so she is not that happy. She said it could be a viable pregnancy, a non-viable pregnancy or a tubal pregnancy. Hmmm....I would go with viable if I had a say! She said to remain neutral, but she is hoping for the best. U/S & blood draw scheduled for next Thursday afternoon. Dah, dah, dah!!!!
Does anyone want to add their two cents on this one?? I'm kind of freaked, because all the other BFP have numbers way, way, way over mine. Yikes, how am I supposed to remain neutral until next Thursday. To top it off, I can't even drink for God's sake!! :)

If anyone wants to send me happy thoughts, prayers, words of encouragement, a trip to Bora Bora, or a new BMW, I would gladly accept.
With all this crapping my pants lately, I'm going to have to go out & buy some new undies.

p.s. Can I just add how crappy it would be if this was a tubal pregnancy, considering I only have my right tube left. God, did you hear that??

Seriously?

So, the Dr. called this afternoon & she said my level is now at 261, it was 58 on Friday, so she wants me to retest again on Wednesday. What in the heck? I was all prepared to hear the bad news & now this?
So, I am remaining neutral (yeah, right) & trying not to think about it. Good grief, I can't take it!

I am seriously crapping my pants.

And The Bubble Bursts....

Received a call from the Dr., my levels did not double. She is not optimistic, but we are repeating the test Monday. If it's negative like she thinks, we will go from there. She is really sorry & so am I.

Should have known better.

Still in Shock

I have been elated since I heard the news on Wednesday, it's just so surreal. When I went in for my blood draw that day, I told the Nurse to have the Dr. call my Husband, that way if it was bad news I wouldn't freak at work. I was waiting, waiting, waiting & then I got an E-card from my Husband. When I opened it it said Congratulations with some little spazy people running around. I thought to myself, if this is a card that says like Congratulations, you are beautiful or something I was going to seriously murder him. When the message finally popped up it said, This just in...you are prego! I asked him about 10 times, what exactly did the Dr. say? He said, she just said "Congrats, your pregnant. Come back in 2 days for another blood draw to make sure her levels are increasing". My Husband is not one for details. Did she say what the number was, what number? OMG, I knew I should have taken the call! :)
I had my second blood draw this morning, so just waiting nervously until the Nurse calls this afternoon. I am so thankful, excited & scared. I told my boss the news, who referred me to my Clinic. He & his wife got pregnant on their first IVF & now have a 1 year old. He said, "you still have a long way to go, your certainly not out of the woods yet". I know that, but can I at least be blissfully happy for one day for God's sake. I have never been pregnant EVER in my life & it was exciting for me. I know this time is crucial, but I hope to remain positive & optimistic.

In other news, we are supposed to get a Monster Snow Storm here in the Twin Cities this weekend. My Husband's excited as he's a big Snowboarder, but me on the other hand, not so much. Yikes, should be interesting!! Hopefully, there will be some reruns of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" on this weekend. I love that show, it's so skanky & scandalous.

This just in..........

BFP...I am pregnant!

And The Panic Sets In....

It's tomorrow, OMG, what will the results be? Will I finally become a Mother? Will it be a big fat negative? How will I react to the results? How will my Husband feel?
Speaking of my Husband, has been so supportive during this whole process & I love him more than I could ever imagine. He hugs me when I am wallowing in self pity & crying so hard I can't breathe, he tells me it will be our turn someday & that he has hope...he knows this will work. He sent my favorite, Gerbera Daisies, to me at work yesterday. The card read, My Beautiful Wife, I am so incredibly proud of you, I Love you, Your Husband. He has gathered the masses, getting all of our friends & family to rally & pray for us. I have been literally overwhelmed by the outpouring of support & comfort we have received over the last 3 + years struggling with this infertility. I was brought to tears at Church on Sunday when one of our Pastors came over to us, hugged us & said I love you guys & have been praying faithfully for you. The tears were of joy, that people care that much & that I have such amazing people in my life. No matter what the result is tomorrow, I know that I will have people there for me that will support me.
I am so grateful that I found all of the IF Blogs out there, your blogs comfort me, give me hope & also let me feel your pain. It's nice to know that someone gets it. Sometimes people's posts make me cry, I wish none of you had to endure this heartache, it's just not fair. Everyone of you out there would make amazing Mothers & hopefully one day you will be.
To all my friend's out there who are Mothers, you inspire me & I am so happy for you. Don't be scared to tell me when you are pregnant again, or not talk about all things baby around me. I will let you know if I can't handle it, but I still want to be a part of your life.

Wow, that was really sappy, sorry about that. Anyway, on to crapping my pants for tomorrow's blood test. God help me.....

OMG, I'm losing it!

Today is the first day it has actually hit me...I am starting to crack under the pressure! Every time someone talks to me, I start tearing up & accumulating large wads of snot rags in my garbage can. How does everyone handle the stress of this?? It's so nerve-racking, I want to down a jug of Boones Farm & bite every single one of my nails off. My co-workers have removed all sharp object & handguns from my work area. They have me on watch until D-day.

I was at a friend's house last night, she had to give me my Progesterone shot because my Hubby is in Chicago on business for a few days. She was holding her newborn, started crying & told me that she wants this so badly for me, because she never knew she could experience this much joy & enjoys Motherhood more than she ever imagined. Most people can't imagine what it is like not to be able to conceive. Well let me tell you, it frickin' blows goats. It sucks to want something so much & not be able to have any control over the outcome. I feel like my body has let me down.
I'm trying to stay as positive as possible, but it's hard. I've been having some mild cramps the last couple of days, so every time I go the restroom I'm checking to see if AF is here...See what a Freak I am?? My Husband is extremely positive about everything. He feels that God wouldn't have gotten us this far, only to let us down, but I've been let down many times. Anyway, sorry for all of the depressing talk today, I will snap out of it!! :)
I'm having a Baby Shower in April for one of our Best Couple Friend's, she is due in June. She had three miscarriages last year, so it is awesome that she has made it this far. I'm a little aprehensive about the whole thing, but feel I can't be so selfish as not to do this for her...Should be interesting.

I hope everyone has a great weekend & I will be praying & hoping for all of you. Tonight I will consume mass quantities of food & watch "The Departed" & "Saw III", jealous?

Two Little Embryos Sitting in a Uterus....

Hi All!
The embryos are now on board, yeah!! The Dr. said that the transfer couldn't have gone better. We had 15 embryos that went to Blast, they put the best two in & the rest are on ice. :) Now the waiting begins, yikes! My blood draw is scheduled for next Wednesday morning, so I will keep you posted.
I am pretty impressed with myself so far, I am usually the Queen of Worrying, but have held it together pretty well so far. There was a little incident at Church on Sunday when surrounded by 4 of our friends who are pregnant & they were all talking about their due date & symptoms, blah, blah, blah. One said she can't wait to get this kid out. Really, that's weird, I can't wait to get one in. It's hard for me to be around those people sometimes, they have no idea how lucky they truly are. I started to get quiver crying lip, but was able to keep it in! :)
I hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day! The Hubby & I are going to grill fillets with Gorgonzola sauce, asparagus & garlic mashed potatoes. I will miss my delicious Chardonnay though, but it's worth it.

Now get busy and attach my little embryos!!

Fertilization Update!

I got a call from the Embryologist on my way to work this morning. She said that there were actually 22 eggs retrieved, 19 were mature & 18 have fertilized. She said that they look excellent. Praise God!! Looks like my transfer will be on Monday, so I'll keep you posted.
I know we have a long way to go, but this is the first good news that I have gotten in the last 3+ years, so I am going to revel in it!! Tonight we are celebrating this milestone by cooking a gourmet dinner & going to see "Hannibal Rising". I know, good celebratory movie choice, hey?? :)

I am hoping and praying for everyone out there, Infertility is a "Beast", glad I can go through it will all of you.

Plentiful Harvest!!

The Egg Retrieval went very well yesterday, the Dr. was able to retrieve 18 eggs...I am so thankful for that. He exclaimed, "My, you have a good crop". My Husband & I had a good laugh about that one. Where do they come up with this stuff? :) The staff at the clinic was awesome & made the whole process go very smoothly. We are supposed to get a call from the Embryologist tomorrow to let us know how the fertilization is coming along. The Husband keeps saying, "I've got a 90% penetration rate...never fear, my swimmers will get the job done". Thanks Babe!! :)
The Dr. is hoping for a 5 day transfer, so most likely the procedure will be on Monday, providing that things go well. The Dr. also informed me that "Planet Pooch" will not be shrinking anytime in the near future. He said it won't shrink until after we are all done with everything. Oh well, PP has kind of become part of our family now.

I'm starting to get a little more nervous now that everything is in motion. I feel like bursting into tears one minute & flashes of hope the next. It's like the plan that we had for our life isn't working out the way we imagined & I also feel bad for my Husband, that he might never have biological children because of me. At this point in my life, I just can't imagine a life without children, but I know many people do it & they live happy lives. I just hope I can be content no matter what happens & not let the "Green Demon", that is jealousy, rear it's ugly head on my friends that have children, or are pregnant. It makes me feel like a bad, crappy person. I need to keep reminding myself that I have a wonderful Husband, awesome friends, the Best Friend in the world (thanks Steph M.), cute kitties & an all around great life.
I will keep everyone posted, I appreciate all the kind words & prayers from everyone. I couldn't ask for better friends!! :)

Adios Little Eggies!

Yesterday's Ultra Sound revealed that we are almost ready for Egg Retrieval, Hallelujah, can I get an Amen!! We went back again this morning & found out I have 9 mature follicles on the right, 7 on the left & 7 between the two that could mature after tonight's HCG shot. The Ultra Sound Tech was attacked by two bulging ovaries when she went in today... She said they were so weighed down by eggs they were almost touching each other. This makes me feel much better about my protruding stomach, that way I can blame the ovaries & not the mass quantities of food that I consumed over the weekend. Most follicles were 18-19 mm, I had a couple that were 22 mm, whooo!! The Egg Retrieval is scheduled for Wednesday, so I will keep you posted. My Husband informed the Nurse this morning that our last intercourse was Friday Night, she replied with, "yes, now nothing else until Wednesday when you guys come in". I gather that this was not the news he was hoping to hear. I get this impression from the way he was gyrating around the bedroom this morning while saying, "you want some of this"?

My weekend was pretty uneventful, woke up bright & early both mornings & thought, hmm...4 weekends in a row with no hangover, so this is what it feels like. No, I am not an alcoholic, just slightly addicted to white wine in mass quantities. Watched a couple movies, ate some food (slight exaggeration) & attended a Super Bowl Party.

Well, I'm off to take my eggs for a walk to the Beverage Machine...Till next time...

Growing, growing, growing!

Today's Ultra Sound was much less painful than Wednesday's, thank you very much. Most of my follicles were 14 mm, had one 16 mm (when the nurse announced that one, my Husband screamed out, "Oh yeah Baby, that's what I'm talking about"). There was a nurse in training in the room with us today, I think she was a little frightened of the bald man, but that's O.K., I still love him. I have another Ultra Sound scheduled for Sunday morning, so will know then if the little eggies are mature enough for the HCG shot.
According to our IVF Handbook, tonight is the last night for sexual relations, oh goody!! I was already being chased around the house last night by The Husband with his pants down, I said, "save it for tomorrow night, Good God". Yes Ladies, that's my Husband, jealous? Tonight is the Guys Poker Friday, so I am sure I will be woken up by the maniac at an Ungodly hour... Can't wait.

Cheers Everyone...if you are in Minnesota, stay warm this weekend & don't freeze your ta-ta's off!!

Watch it with that thing!

Today's Ultra Sound went well, my follicles were 8-9 mm, Mrs. Nurse said they should be to 10-11 mm by Friday, so we will know more then. A little painful today when the Ultra Sound tech was in there waving her magic wand around. I thought to myself, Good Lord, is she trying to remove one of my ovaries, or did she operate a jack hammer in her previous life. All kidding aside, the staff at CRM has been wonderful, I think I am just a little cranky today. It could also be the large painful tumor that has emerged on my chin, I couldn't stop staring at it in the mirror last night. It's tainting this beautiful work of art that I call my face. :)
We were selling back some books to a bookstore on Sunday & found the most hilarious book on Infertility. It was very witty & kept me laughing for the afternoon. One chapter in the book was on statistics & it said that 1 in 10 women will suffer from Infertility. My Husband turned to me & said, "I knew it, I had to marry the 1 in 10". Thanks Honey, I love you too. I sent him an e-mail the next day at work & signed it, Love, The 1 in 10.
For those of you who don't know me, I am only 5 Feet tall (stretching it). My Husband seems to be a bit concerned that if we have a girl she will be as short as me. In the car on the way to the Ultra Sound this morning, he said, "If we have a girl, we should probably get her in immediately for that bone stretching procedure we saw on TLC, don't you think"? How about we just work on getting a baby, any baby, in the belly for starters.

I'll keep you posted on Friday's Ultra Sound...In the meantime, Go, Go Gadget Eggs!!